I don't know what exactly it is about my life lately, but this whole year so far has been pretty much one huge down note. The only real bright side to it so far was going out to AZ, and going snowboarding last Monday. I hate where I am in life right now. I absolutely despise my job, but unfortunately i'm stuck there, considering I don't have any other job opportunities at his point in time, nor do I have a college degree of any kind. I had the possibility of a job opportunity, but things just fell through and it didn't work out. I'm not going to get into the details here, not in this post anyway. I thought before my week off that I was just in major need of a vacation, but now that i've had it and am back at work, I realize that it's more than that. I haven't really talked about how i've felt at work to anyone there before today, when it just sorta came out, and I could feel myself getting choked up just a little, maybe because I was finally admitting how bad my life is right now compared to how it could be? I don't know...but unfortunately, the person I told at work wasn't the most helpful, so i'm still pretty much stuck where I was. What I told him basically boiled down to the fact that there have been numerous days in the past month where i've felt like just stopping what I was doing, and walking away from my FedEx truck, and going home. I never would actually do that, because I have respect for the people I work with and for my manager, and I know that would not be the ideal way out. The main thing about this all though, is that even though I hate every day that I work there, I still go in and do my best. I don't slack off or anything of the sort just because I don't want to be there, and as hard as that is to keep up, I know that I have to.

I'd like to talk to my manager about how i've felt, but he's been gone a lot, at least during the times he might actually have the time to talk to me. The only times i've seen him lately is during the sort, and its just so frantic and busy during that time, it's impossible to just stop for a few minutes and discuss it with him. I think tomorrow i'm going to go in a bit early and talk to one of the other managers, just to get it off my chest. I don't know exactly what it is I want either, I don't know if I just need to be put on a different route, need to work different hours, or just need to quit altogether. I just feel like I need some sort of change. My life feels like its in one giant rut. I go to work, and then I come home and veg out in front of the TV or the computer for the majority of my spare time. There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself, but when it happens every day, it does get a little tedious.

I think i'm going to start seriously looking for another job. The bad thing about that is that I don't know if i'll be able to find a place to work that takes care of its employees like FedEx does. I know for a fact i'm not going to get the same pay I am now, which in all honesty is fine. The thing that's really making it hard for me to leave is the fact that I have medical/dental insurance. I haven't really had to make use of any of it yet, thank god, but I have this feeling deep in my head that the second I lose that safeguard is the second i'm gonna need it. The other problem is, I don't know exactly what it is I want to do in my life. A few months ago, I believe I posted about wanting to go back to school and working to become a music producer. Since then, i've heard that it's very hard to break into the business, and I don't know if that's something I want to go for at this point in time, considering it's more of a long term fix than a short term fix. I think what I need to do is find another part time job somewhere, or at least a full time job where i'm still able to go to classes every week, so that I can both get out of the job i'm in now, and still work at going towards that long term goal.

I'll try and post about my trip to AZ tomorrow, because right now i'm not in the best of moods, but I will talk about something related. Everyone out there was wanting me tos tay longer, which would've been nice. Gambit even suggested (although how serious he was about it is still up in the air in my mind) that I move out there...and at the time I told him no, because I love the area I live in too much. Huntington Beach is where i've wanted to live for years, and now that i'm here, I don't think I ever want to leave. But there's a part of me that thinks that moving out there might not be too bad of an idea. For one thing I could pretty much start over, at least job wise...and I would probably be able to afford an apartment out there, as opposed to here in CA, where even a frickin' shack is worth a couple hundred thousand. One of the things that stops me from going out there is that i'd be moving away from my friends here, but on the other hand, I would have a few more friends over there in AZ, too. I had a great time out there, and would gladly go back, plus it seems like, even though I know I wouldn't be able to hang out with all of them every day, i'd at least be getting out more and doing stuff with friends instead of sitting here by myself. That's one of the things about life here that really isn't all that great. I really only have two friends that I hang out with here on a regular basis, and lately things have been so hectic for them, we've barely had any time to hang out at all. Out in AZ, i'd at least have 6 or so people to hang out with, and I have a feeling i'd be able to do it more often. I don't know, i'm still thinking about it, i've only really started giving it serious thought today.

Anyway, I feel slightly better now that i've written about it, and I can't really think of much else that's been on my mind lately, so i'll bring this post to a close. Ja ne.

So here I am, in Arizona for the first time. Well, not really the first time, if you count layovers in the airport. But yeah, i'm here. I left around noon, and got here a little after 6PM California time. The drive actually wasn't that bad at all. I had enough stuff on my iPod to keep myself entertained, so it seemed to go a lot faster than I thought it would. After I got my stuff brought into webhead's place, we left to pick up Gambit. After picking him up, the three of us headed off to the mall to bug DC while he was still working. We stuck around Gamestop for about 20 minutes or so before heading off to McDonalds to wait for him to get off of work at 10. After he got off work, we went over to Denny's and met Xylus, and we all had a good meal and just laughed our asses off. Right now i'm typing this out, and Gambit, DC, and web are playing XBox360, and as soon as they play something other than Perfect Dark Zero, i'm in. I originally planned to post more, but I can't really think of what else to write about. Ja ne.

Decided to try something slightly different. Don't know what exactly caused this idea, but here we go.

http://www.dbzcenter.com/~mt/vblog.zip

I just had quite possibly the best Guitar Hero session i've ever had. I was just playing tonight to enjoy myself, not to get a high score or anything like that, and even still I did good. I beat Bark At The Moon on Hard, which I hadn't been able to do before. I got SO close to finishing Cowboys from Hell, but I only got 96% through the song. But its okay, defeating BATM was good enough for me. That, and I topped my earlier uberscore on Infected by Bad Religion.

I don't think i've had this much fun playing video games in years. God bless you, Red Octane! Ja ne.

I'll get to my "fabulous" Vegas trip later (don't let the quotes fool you, I did have a good time), but right now I want to talk about something that's been on my mind ever since Dana and I broke up, and even a little before then. I made another pst about Johnna a while back, and I'd like to add onto it. Ever since her and I stopped seeing each other so long ago, i've found myself unable to stop thinking about her. For a while there I did, not completely, but enough to where I wasn't thinking about her every single day. And today its starting to come back yet again. On my way back from Vegas, I was going to pass by the apartment she lived in, so I figured i'd call her up and see if she wanted to get a bite to eat or something. I found out she's moving to Yucaipa, so obviously that plan didn't work...but that's obviously not why I wanted to post this now. Basically ever since this new year's started, i've gone back to being depressed most of the time. ANd today when I started thinking about Johnna again, all these old thoughts popped back up. Basically, I was/am still very very very upset at myself for not taking the "chance" way back when her and I were still together of showing/telling her how I truly felt about her. I guess I cared so much about her, I was just too afraid to open up, fearing she wouldn't feel the same way...and ever since then i've regretted it. Since then, its been slightly easier to tell someone that. Like with Dana, I knew how I felt about her, and I told her...and the more I think about that, the more it hurts to think I didn't do that with Johnna. Every time I think about her, I really do feel like she was the ideal woman for me. Reading back on the last post where I talked about her, I realized right now i'm just saying a lot of what i've already said...so, yeah. It kills me that I didn't take that chance, and practically every day since then, whenever I think about it, it's just...I dunno, heartbreaking I guess? I felt so strongly about her, yet I was too much of a wimp to tell her. Now, I don't know if actually telling her would've made things turn out differently in the end, but of course the chance is/was there. I truly feel like she's moved on, which i'm sure she has...and even though I thought I had moved on, it turns out I really didn't.

Times like this, the "title" of my blog REALLY fucking fits...I wanna stop thinking about trying to restart our relationship, but I can't seem to actually get it done. I'm 99.99999999% sure she's moved on and that there's no hope...but as much as it hurts, I think there's always going to be that little part of me that wants to take that very slim chance...I never know if I actually should or not. Once again, the fear of rejection sets in, and will probably stop me from ever talking to her about it the next time we see each other, whenever that'll be. I just wish I could get over her like i'm sure she's gotten over me.

Anyway, on a lighter note, i'll move on to Las Vegas...well, almost. I don't know what it is about my life, but it seems like every time I have a week/day off (besides Monday, I mean), life decides to make the week before it a LIVING HELL. Maybe it wants me to really appreciate my time off? *shrug* So basically, I was going to leave for Vegas right after I got off work, which on Fridays would've been about 6:30PM. I got a call at around 2PM from my manager asking me if I could come in early (which I didn't want to do...I was hoping to finish a book I had been reading before I went in, but of course I did) because one of the other couriers had called in sick. This same courier is the one that usually helps me park trucks on Fridays (instead of doing my usual shuttle to the airport), so of course not only did I have to come in early, I wouldn't be leaving until later than I had planned. Eventually I did finish parking all the trucks and whatnot, and got off work sometime around 7:30. Not particularly late, but still a lot later than I had planned. Sidenote, I really hate it when I have plans and things don't work out near exactly as I had planned, so naturally I wasn't in the best of moods when I left.

Let me preface this by saying the first night is kinda mixed up in my mind, and may or may not be in chronological order.

So I finally got on the road, got some Taco Bell, and got on the freeway for the long trek out there. The drive out there wasn't that bad, there was practically no traffic, which was nice. I listened to a few CDs before turning on the ol' iPod, and I started blasting some Slipknot, which I really got into, and helped relieve a lot of the tension that had been building up in me all week, so by the time I got close to Vegas, I was feeling relatively much better than I was earlier. As I was about to get off the freeway, I got a call from Ben asking me to instead meet Anh (or Ahn? I can never remember), Ewa and him at the Bellagio, so I did. I picked them up and we parked in the garage there and walked around in there for a little bit. This was the same hotel that we stayed in last year, and just like last year, it turns out the adult awards were in the same hotel yet again. So naturally the place was packed full of pornstars, regular people, hookers, and so forth. As we were riding the escalator down to the casino level, Ben struck up a "conversation" with someone who looked like she was here for exactly what the majority of the people in that particular casino were there for. I forget exactly what they talked about, but at one point she turned to me (I was giving her the usual "ignore my friend, he's had too much to drink" speech) and said "I have a better idea..." so naturally I assumed she was trying to get me to pay for a room or something so I could "have a good time." I thought that was pretty funny...that's the first time that's happened to me.

At the bottom of the escalator, Ewa and I had to go use the restroom, so we headed in, and as I was heading out, this little guy in a scooter pulled up, presumably to go to the bathroom as well, and it turns out it was Mini Me himself, Vern Troyer. That's one of the cool things about the adult awards, is seeing celebrities here and there. Last year, Ben and I saw Bon Jovi and Ron Jeremy, and the guy at the front desk said he saw Lemmy from Motorhead walking around, but we couldn't find him. Ben mentioned this year that he saw Coolio, which he was the only one to really appreciate. I guess the other two (I wasn't there at the time) didn't really know who he was. Much later that night, the four of us were walking through the Venetian, because the others had cravings for omelette's, and they knew that it had particularly good ones. As we were making our way down, someone passed by Ben and I in a wheelchair, and when I looked closer, I realized it was Larry Flynt. I was oddly in awe...I guess because I didn't expect to actually see him or his esteemed colleagues (Hugh Hefner, et al). His wheelchair was actually golden too, which was kinda funny.

Sometime that night, we all made our way to some other casino whose name escapes me at the moment, but they had this thing called a Yard, which is basically a tall drink filled with whatever alcoholic slushy stuff you wanted. They all got one and split it between the three of them, and sometime while we were in there, a lot of it ended up getting spilt on my lap. For whatever reason (remember, that night was a blur for the most part), I ended up shoving Ewa away, maybe because she was laughing or something, and I felt real stupid...I don't remember. Anyway, the three of them, being drunk at the time, got a good kick out of it, and I got pissed off. I went off to the bathroom to clean myself up and decided to walk outside for a little while to cool off. I actually considered getting back in my car and just heading home, I was that upset. After sitting out for a few minutes, I calmed down and went back in, playing it cool and just going on with the night. We eventually made our way back to the hotel at around 4:30AM, and went to sleep.


The next day we woke up around 12 and went casino hopping again. There was talk about going to see a show later in the day with the other two people (Susan and Vicky, from New Years Eve) that came out. Those plans eventually fell through, Ben, Ewa, Anh and I being tired (Susan and Vicky spent most of the time there by themselves), so we went back up to the room. The other two were sleeping, and we woke them up. They had come back from seeing a show themselves, and they conversed about it for a while before all of them except Anh and I headed out. Her and I went to sleep, and sometime later that night (not sure when), the rest of them came back, and we all crashed for the night.

Today, everyone except Ben and Ewa woke up around 9AM, while Susan and Vicky got their stuff packed and headed out by about 9:45AM. The other two woke up, and we all got packed and headed out, making a stop over at In-N-Out for lunch, before we went our separate ways. The drive back went a little bit worse than the way there, but I still made pretty good time back, somewhere around 4 hours. I got home, brought my stuff in, talked with my mom for a little bit and hopped in the shower, and that brings us back to present day.

Whew! Long post, eh? Ja ne.

Currently listening to: King Nothing by Metallica

I forgot to mention...I think from now on, i'd like to be called Daniel instead of just Dan.

*nod*

When I decided I was gonna update my blog for today, this wasn't the update I had in mind, but recent events have caused me to change it, at least the beginning. Maybe i'll get to my originally planned update, but for now, here goes.

I was watching this comedian, Tom Papa, on Conan tonight, and he mentioned something about getting older, and for some reason it stirred up old thoughts about dying and such, and it scared the shit out of me. Now I know, I don't have to worry about dying for a long time now, but that doesn't mean I still can't be concerned, right? Anyway, the whole idea of death scares me beyond belief. The thought that one day I just won't be alive one day is just scary. I'm sure its perfectly normal to feel this way, too...doesn't really help ease any pain or anything. Its weird to think that I won't have any memories of this life after I pass on, either...at least not consciously. Who knows if people can actually remember past lives (if reincarnation is possible, and all), but I don't like the fact that everything that makes me who I am will be gone...the only way i'll truly "live on" is through people's memories...which is fine for them, but what about me? Times like this make me wish I knew somehow that death wasn't so final, and that there were at least something after we pass on in this life, it'd comfort me. Now this doesn't mean I want to suspend all rational thought and denounce my atheism or anything, so don't jump on me! ><

I felt like I would flesh this out more by the time I got back out of bed to write it, but i'm out of ideas. Maybe I will move onto the original post I was going to make.

I don't remember why exactly, but today I got to thinking about Johnna again, and how things could've been...and I reverted back to my old way of thinking, as in "i'll go up and see her sometime, try to restart our relationship," even though I know things aren't going to work out between her and I, at least not like they would've been had I actually not been a puss and actually tried to show/tell her how much I loved her at the time. It makes me upset that I ruined a perfectly good relationship...I feel that she was pretty much the ideal woman for me. We had a whole lot in common, we liked most of the same movies and music, we both liked anime, we got along REALLY well, and she's attractive. But then, after thinking about her for a little while, I flipped back from the CD I was listening to, to the radio, and Liar by Korn was playing...and it oddly seemed like the song was directed specifically to me. The line that mainly stuck out in my head was " Hey you, you're saying that she's all that you desire...Liar!"

Now I know that that sort of a coincidence is probably a 1/1,000,000 chance that it was actually supposed to be a sign of some sort, but that is kinda weird...right? Anyway, I need to get to sleep, I have a feeling the next two nights are gonna be late ones...i'll be in Vegas celebrating Ewa's birthday! Ja ne.

So, last night was awesome. Originally, the plan was to just hang out with Ben, Ewa, and my two gradeschool friends who now live out of town, Ramon and Jeremy. They were both in town for the holidays, and were leaving this week. We were gonna go down to Dave & Busters and just chill. It turns out, after getting in touch with Ramon, we found out he was getting together with another gradeschool friend of ours, Thomas. So that was a nice surprise. The four of us (Ben, Jeremy, Ewa and I) headed down there to the Block, and when we got there, Jeremy and I were walking together, while Ben and Ewa were behind us, and as we were walking up to the door, I recognized this guy that used to go to my first high school, Los Altos. He hung out around my group of friends back then, but I didn't really know him. Back then, he was all gung ho about joining the Marines, you know... "Semper fi this," and "Ooh rah that!" Basically just going on nonstop about joining the Marines (this info will come in handy later). Jeremy and I didn't say anything to him, for whatever reason, and headed inside. After looking for Ramon and Thomas for a while, Ben called Ramon up, and they said they had just got there. So, we headed back towards the door and found them, they had a couple of other people with them too, whom I didn't recognize completely at first. It turns out that Ramon and Thomas were getting together with a few other friends from Los Altos, Rafael, Elder (one of my better friends back when I went), and Elisio (Mr. Marine). It was weird too, cause I saw Elder and I had no idea it was even him. He introduced himself to Jeremy, and I was like "Holy shit, its Elder!" So that was a nice surprise.

Anyway, long story slightly shorter, we all got a table and hung out for a good 3 hours or so, and just had a blast. It was completely unexpected to run into that many people I knew from back in the day. It turns out Rafael joined the military as well (what branch i'm not sure), and Elisio, for whatever reason, didn't join the Marines like everyone who knew him back then thought he would. Guess he was just all talk, maybe? Either way, I think I remember hearing he's actually a cop now, so I guess it was a step in the right direction. After that, we all traded numbers, e-mail addresses, myspace addresses and what not, all to keep in touch. Hopefully we can all get together sometime like that without having to wait another 8 years.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

God, I hate it SO much when i'm playing a game, that I know I can beat, that i've handled with no problems before, and I just can't for some reason. Like today, I couldn't play Guitar Hero to save my LIFE. Songs i'd easily beaten on Expert level before, I was failing tonight. I don't know why either...I just don't know what the fuck went wrong. It bugs the shit out of me, when I know I can do something and for whatever reason I just can't. God, i'm sick of that happening...so fucking frustrating. Yes, I know people have off days from time to time, but this is just aggravating. Ugh.

So, New Years was a rather pleasant night after all. Around 7:30PM I went over to Ewa's house and from there we left to her friends' place down in Newport Beach, and were probably no more than 20ft away from the beach, which was nice. Her friend Susan had everything set up on the table, snacks, party hats, and whatnot. We started watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose, which I was too scared to watch when it came out in theaters....and boy was I let down. The movie sucked. The ending made no sense. Definately not recommended. During the movie, the other friend, Vicky, came home and finished it with us. After the movie ended, we started to watch a movie by Gus Van Sant called Last Days. The cover made you think it was about the last few days of Kurt Cobain, but it turns out it was inspired by the events that happened to Kurt. So right there it was a disappointment. It started of VERY slow, and very boring, and we decided to stop it because no one wanted to watch it. At that time, it was about time to start the New Years countdown, so we turned it to Regis Philbin's show on Fox (why, I have no idea) to count down to 2006. We had horns, pots and pans, and poppers and were making as much noise as possible for about 5 minutes.

After that, we played this game called Scene It, based around movies and all its related trivia. We played that for about 45 minutes, and then Vicky went to bed. After that, Ewa and I went out to the balcony and I had my first cigar. Nothing special really. It wasn't a bad experience by any means, but i'm not chomping at the bit to do it again any time soon. After we came back in, I don't really remember too much what happened, I went back to the chair I watched the movies in and fell asleep. Ewa woke Ben and I up around 4AM, and we all made our ways back home.

All in all, a fun night, and i'm very glad I came. Today, I went out to the bookstore for a while and read a book that was full of pictures detailing the making of the Star Wars movies, and then I came home. Not too exciting, eh? Next weekend its off to Vegas for Ewa's birthday. I got Saturday off, and am gonna leave right after work on Friday night. I think we're staying at the Sands hotel.

Dana comes home tomorrow, and I'll be off picking her up around 5PM. Nothing else to write about now, so this comes to a close. Ja ne.