Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I don't know what exactly it is about my life lately, but this whole year so far has been pretty much one huge down note. The only real bright side to it so far was going out to AZ, and going snowboarding last Monday. I hate where I am in life right now. I absolutely despise my job, but unfortunately i'm stuck there, considering I don't have any other job opportunities at his point in time, nor do I have a college degree of any kind. I had the possibility of a job opportunity, but things just fell through and it didn't work out. I'm not going to get into the details here, not in this post anyway. I thought before my week off that I was just in major need of a vacation, but now that i've had it and am back at work, I realize that it's more than that. I haven't really talked about how i've felt at work to anyone there before today, when it just sorta came out, and I could feel myself getting choked up just a little, maybe because I was finally admitting how bad my life is right now compared to how it could be? I don't know...but unfortunately, the person I told at work wasn't the most helpful, so i'm still pretty much stuck where I was. What I told him basically boiled down to the fact that there have been numerous days in the past month where i've felt like just stopping what I was doing, and walking away from my FedEx truck, and going home. I never would actually do that, because I have respect for the people I work with and for my manager, and I know that would not be the ideal way out. The main thing about this all though, is that even though I hate every day that I work there, I still go in and do my best. I don't slack off or anything of the sort just because I don't want to be there, and as hard as that is to keep up, I know that I have to.

I'd like to talk to my manager about how i've felt, but he's been gone a lot, at least during the times he might actually have the time to talk to me. The only times i've seen him lately is during the sort, and its just so frantic and busy during that time, it's impossible to just stop for a few minutes and discuss it with him. I think tomorrow i'm going to go in a bit early and talk to one of the other managers, just to get it off my chest. I don't know exactly what it is I want either, I don't know if I just need to be put on a different route, need to work different hours, or just need to quit altogether. I just feel like I need some sort of change. My life feels like its in one giant rut. I go to work, and then I come home and veg out in front of the TV or the computer for the majority of my spare time. There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself, but when it happens every day, it does get a little tedious.

I think i'm going to start seriously looking for another job. The bad thing about that is that I don't know if i'll be able to find a place to work that takes care of its employees like FedEx does. I know for a fact i'm not going to get the same pay I am now, which in all honesty is fine. The thing that's really making it hard for me to leave is the fact that I have medical/dental insurance. I haven't really had to make use of any of it yet, thank god, but I have this feeling deep in my head that the second I lose that safeguard is the second i'm gonna need it. The other problem is, I don't know exactly what it is I want to do in my life. A few months ago, I believe I posted about wanting to go back to school and working to become a music producer. Since then, i've heard that it's very hard to break into the business, and I don't know if that's something I want to go for at this point in time, considering it's more of a long term fix than a short term fix. I think what I need to do is find another part time job somewhere, or at least a full time job where i'm still able to go to classes every week, so that I can both get out of the job i'm in now, and still work at going towards that long term goal.

I'll try and post about my trip to AZ tomorrow, because right now i'm not in the best of moods, but I will talk about something related. Everyone out there was wanting me tos tay longer, which would've been nice. Gambit even suggested (although how serious he was about it is still up in the air in my mind) that I move out there...and at the time I told him no, because I love the area I live in too much. Huntington Beach is where i've wanted to live for years, and now that i'm here, I don't think I ever want to leave. But there's a part of me that thinks that moving out there might not be too bad of an idea. For one thing I could pretty much start over, at least job wise...and I would probably be able to afford an apartment out there, as opposed to here in CA, where even a frickin' shack is worth a couple hundred thousand. One of the things that stops me from going out there is that i'd be moving away from my friends here, but on the other hand, I would have a few more friends over there in AZ, too. I had a great time out there, and would gladly go back, plus it seems like, even though I know I wouldn't be able to hang out with all of them every day, i'd at least be getting out more and doing stuff with friends instead of sitting here by myself. That's one of the things about life here that really isn't all that great. I really only have two friends that I hang out with here on a regular basis, and lately things have been so hectic for them, we've barely had any time to hang out at all. Out in AZ, i'd at least have 6 or so people to hang out with, and I have a feeling i'd be able to do it more often. I don't know, i'm still thinking about it, i've only really started giving it serious thought today.

Anyway, I feel slightly better now that i've written about it, and I can't really think of much else that's been on my mind lately, so i'll bring this post to a close. Ja ne.


Post a Comment

<< Home