Sunday, January 08, 2006

I'll get to my "fabulous" Vegas trip later (don't let the quotes fool you, I did have a good time), but right now I want to talk about something that's been on my mind ever since Dana and I broke up, and even a little before then. I made another pst about Johnna a while back, and I'd like to add onto it. Ever since her and I stopped seeing each other so long ago, i've found myself unable to stop thinking about her. For a while there I did, not completely, but enough to where I wasn't thinking about her every single day. And today its starting to come back yet again. On my way back from Vegas, I was going to pass by the apartment she lived in, so I figured i'd call her up and see if she wanted to get a bite to eat or something. I found out she's moving to Yucaipa, so obviously that plan didn't work...but that's obviously not why I wanted to post this now. Basically ever since this new year's started, i've gone back to being depressed most of the time. ANd today when I started thinking about Johnna again, all these old thoughts popped back up. Basically, I was/am still very very very upset at myself for not taking the "chance" way back when her and I were still together of showing/telling her how I truly felt about her. I guess I cared so much about her, I was just too afraid to open up, fearing she wouldn't feel the same way...and ever since then i've regretted it. Since then, its been slightly easier to tell someone that. Like with Dana, I knew how I felt about her, and I told her...and the more I think about that, the more it hurts to think I didn't do that with Johnna. Every time I think about her, I really do feel like she was the ideal woman for me. Reading back on the last post where I talked about her, I realized right now i'm just saying a lot of what i've already, yeah. It kills me that I didn't take that chance, and practically every day since then, whenever I think about it, it's just...I dunno, heartbreaking I guess? I felt so strongly about her, yet I was too much of a wimp to tell her. Now, I don't know if actually telling her would've made things turn out differently in the end, but of course the chance is/was there. I truly feel like she's moved on, which i'm sure she has...and even though I thought I had moved on, it turns out I really didn't.

Times like this, the "title" of my blog REALLY fucking fits...I wanna stop thinking about trying to restart our relationship, but I can't seem to actually get it done. I'm 99.99999999% sure she's moved on and that there's no hope...but as much as it hurts, I think there's always going to be that little part of me that wants to take that very slim chance...I never know if I actually should or not. Once again, the fear of rejection sets in, and will probably stop me from ever talking to her about it the next time we see each other, whenever that'll be. I just wish I could get over her like i'm sure she's gotten over me.

Anyway, on a lighter note, i'll move on to Las Vegas...well, almost. I don't know what it is about my life, but it seems like every time I have a week/day off (besides Monday, I mean), life decides to make the week before it a LIVING HELL. Maybe it wants me to really appreciate my time off? *shrug* So basically, I was going to leave for Vegas right after I got off work, which on Fridays would've been about 6:30PM. I got a call at around 2PM from my manager asking me if I could come in early (which I didn't want to do...I was hoping to finish a book I had been reading before I went in, but of course I did) because one of the other couriers had called in sick. This same courier is the one that usually helps me park trucks on Fridays (instead of doing my usual shuttle to the airport), so of course not only did I have to come in early, I wouldn't be leaving until later than I had planned. Eventually I did finish parking all the trucks and whatnot, and got off work sometime around 7:30. Not particularly late, but still a lot later than I had planned. Sidenote, I really hate it when I have plans and things don't work out near exactly as I had planned, so naturally I wasn't in the best of moods when I left.

Let me preface this by saying the first night is kinda mixed up in my mind, and may or may not be in chronological order.

So I finally got on the road, got some Taco Bell, and got on the freeway for the long trek out there. The drive out there wasn't that bad, there was practically no traffic, which was nice. I listened to a few CDs before turning on the ol' iPod, and I started blasting some Slipknot, which I really got into, and helped relieve a lot of the tension that had been building up in me all week, so by the time I got close to Vegas, I was feeling relatively much better than I was earlier. As I was about to get off the freeway, I got a call from Ben asking me to instead meet Anh (or Ahn? I can never remember), Ewa and him at the Bellagio, so I did. I picked them up and we parked in the garage there and walked around in there for a little bit. This was the same hotel that we stayed in last year, and just like last year, it turns out the adult awards were in the same hotel yet again. So naturally the place was packed full of pornstars, regular people, hookers, and so forth. As we were riding the escalator down to the casino level, Ben struck up a "conversation" with someone who looked like she was here for exactly what the majority of the people in that particular casino were there for. I forget exactly what they talked about, but at one point she turned to me (I was giving her the usual "ignore my friend, he's had too much to drink" speech) and said "I have a better idea..." so naturally I assumed she was trying to get me to pay for a room or something so I could "have a good time." I thought that was pretty funny...that's the first time that's happened to me.

At the bottom of the escalator, Ewa and I had to go use the restroom, so we headed in, and as I was heading out, this little guy in a scooter pulled up, presumably to go to the bathroom as well, and it turns out it was Mini Me himself, Vern Troyer. That's one of the cool things about the adult awards, is seeing celebrities here and there. Last year, Ben and I saw Bon Jovi and Ron Jeremy, and the guy at the front desk said he saw Lemmy from Motorhead walking around, but we couldn't find him. Ben mentioned this year that he saw Coolio, which he was the only one to really appreciate. I guess the other two (I wasn't there at the time) didn't really know who he was. Much later that night, the four of us were walking through the Venetian, because the others had cravings for omelette's, and they knew that it had particularly good ones. As we were making our way down, someone passed by Ben and I in a wheelchair, and when I looked closer, I realized it was Larry Flynt. I was oddly in awe...I guess because I didn't expect to actually see him or his esteemed colleagues (Hugh Hefner, et al). His wheelchair was actually golden too, which was kinda funny.

Sometime that night, we all made our way to some other casino whose name escapes me at the moment, but they had this thing called a Yard, which is basically a tall drink filled with whatever alcoholic slushy stuff you wanted. They all got one and split it between the three of them, and sometime while we were in there, a lot of it ended up getting spilt on my lap. For whatever reason (remember, that night was a blur for the most part), I ended up shoving Ewa away, maybe because she was laughing or something, and I felt real stupid...I don't remember. Anyway, the three of them, being drunk at the time, got a good kick out of it, and I got pissed off. I went off to the bathroom to clean myself up and decided to walk outside for a little while to cool off. I actually considered getting back in my car and just heading home, I was that upset. After sitting out for a few minutes, I calmed down and went back in, playing it cool and just going on with the night. We eventually made our way back to the hotel at around 4:30AM, and went to sleep.

The next day we woke up around 12 and went casino hopping again. There was talk about going to see a show later in the day with the other two people (Susan and Vicky, from New Years Eve) that came out. Those plans eventually fell through, Ben, Ewa, Anh and I being tired (Susan and Vicky spent most of the time there by themselves), so we went back up to the room. The other two were sleeping, and we woke them up. They had come back from seeing a show themselves, and they conversed about it for a while before all of them except Anh and I headed out. Her and I went to sleep, and sometime later that night (not sure when), the rest of them came back, and we all crashed for the night.

Today, everyone except Ben and Ewa woke up around 9AM, while Susan and Vicky got their stuff packed and headed out by about 9:45AM. The other two woke up, and we all got packed and headed out, making a stop over at In-N-Out for lunch, before we went our separate ways. The drive back went a little bit worse than the way there, but I still made pretty good time back, somewhere around 4 hours. I got home, brought my stuff in, talked with my mom for a little bit and hopped in the shower, and that brings us back to present day.

Whew! Long post, eh? Ja ne.

Currently listening to: King Nothing by Metallica


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