Friday, January 06, 2006

When I decided I was gonna update my blog for today, this wasn't the update I had in mind, but recent events have caused me to change it, at least the beginning. Maybe i'll get to my originally planned update, but for now, here goes.

I was watching this comedian, Tom Papa, on Conan tonight, and he mentioned something about getting older, and for some reason it stirred up old thoughts about dying and such, and it scared the shit out of me. Now I know, I don't have to worry about dying for a long time now, but that doesn't mean I still can't be concerned, right? Anyway, the whole idea of death scares me beyond belief. The thought that one day I just won't be alive one day is just scary. I'm sure its perfectly normal to feel this way, too...doesn't really help ease any pain or anything. Its weird to think that I won't have any memories of this life after I pass on, least not consciously. Who knows if people can actually remember past lives (if reincarnation is possible, and all), but I don't like the fact that everything that makes me who I am will be gone...the only way i'll truly "live on" is through people's memories...which is fine for them, but what about me? Times like this make me wish I knew somehow that death wasn't so final, and that there were at least something after we pass on in this life, it'd comfort me. Now this doesn't mean I want to suspend all rational thought and denounce my atheism or anything, so don't jump on me! ><

I felt like I would flesh this out more by the time I got back out of bed to write it, but i'm out of ideas. Maybe I will move onto the original post I was going to make.

I don't remember why exactly, but today I got to thinking about Johnna again, and how things could've been...and I reverted back to my old way of thinking, as in "i'll go up and see her sometime, try to restart our relationship," even though I know things aren't going to work out between her and I, at least not like they would've been had I actually not been a puss and actually tried to show/tell her how much I loved her at the time. It makes me upset that I ruined a perfectly good relationship...I feel that she was pretty much the ideal woman for me. We had a whole lot in common, we liked most of the same movies and music, we both liked anime, we got along REALLY well, and she's attractive. But then, after thinking about her for a little while, I flipped back from the CD I was listening to, to the radio, and Liar by Korn was playing...and it oddly seemed like the song was directed specifically to me. The line that mainly stuck out in my head was " Hey you, you're saying that she's all that you desire...Liar!"

Now I know that that sort of a coincidence is probably a 1/1,000,000 chance that it was actually supposed to be a sign of some sort, but that is kinda weird...right? Anyway, I need to get to sleep, I have a feeling the next two nights are gonna be late ones...i'll be in Vegas celebrating Ewa's birthday! Ja ne.


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