Friday, June 29, 2012

Mass Effect 3 Endings, Now With New HAT!

I tried to play through the DLC and see the endings for myself, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Posted this earlier on Facebook:

I really have almost no desire to finish ME3 with the new DLC. I do want to at some point, but i'm just not really itching to do so. Back when I played through the game the first time, I played the shit out of it, doing everything I could, doing my best to power through difficult sections in order to see how the awesome trilogy (using my knowledge of the games at that time) would come to a conclusion.

I guess that just goes to show how much I loathed the original ending. It sapped most of my desire to want to play the game ever again. I went into the DLC not expecting something revolutionary or amazing, but with an open mind. Ever since it's release, i've heard nothing but bad things about it, and that pretty much killed my desire. What's the point if i'm just going to get disappointed again?

Ever since then i've been thinking about whether or not I would actually play through it all again, or bite the bullet and just watch the endings online. A friend of mine posted a link to a lengthy documentary talking about the Indoctrination Theory, which basically served as a refresher for me. Back after beating the game, I read a bunch of stuff online, and when the IT began to form, it made a lot of sense when I went back and thought about it. After reading up on it, I pretty much made it the theory I went with, as it gave me a relatively satisfying ending, although it did leave a lot of unanswered questions. What happens now that the Mass Effect relays are destroyed? Will there still be travel between planets? Why did Joker fly the Normandy away from Earth after he pretty much swore he'd never leave? That's just a few of the questions that never really got an answer.

After watching the IT documentary (the one I posted above), I decided to just go for it and watch the ending. It had been so long since I beat the game and stopped thinking about it, I wasn't exactly sure which one I watched in my original playthrough. Luckily the documentary reminded me about what I was most likely thinking during that time (before I knew about the IT itself), about how the whole point of that final mission was to go up to the Citadel and destroy the Reapers. That's what I came to do, so that's what I was going to do, no matter what that starkid fucker had to say. So, with that knowledge in mind, I watched that ending once again.

As I was watching it, I could pick out the scenes I hadn't seen before, so it wasn't a total "was that what happened?" moment. I noticed that they added a scene on the Normandy, with Hackett talking about (I forget the exact quote) how everyone should evacuate the area and whatnot. The other crew in the cockpit convinced Joker to fly away, so that they wouldn't be destroyed in the explosion (which at least answered one of my above questions). There were also scenes that may have been in the original ending (that I may have forgotten, but I have no idea), where the Asari and Krogan troops celebrated the destruction of the Reapers. There are a few other scenes that were added, but I don't really have to recall each one, since the videos are readily available on Youtube.

Basically, after watching watching the same ending I watched before with the new "extended scenes," I felt slightly more comfortable with the ending, but it still didn't answer all my questions. I know since this DLC has been released, there was talk about future DLC being released, but it's still not known if that will be post-ending or not. All in all, the ending is slightly better, but I still don't think it's what the end of a major trilogy like this one needed. It also didn't really disprove or approve the Indoctrination Theory either, which would have been nice. Maybe it was Bioware's intention all along to leave the ending open to interpretation, I dunno. But I was thinking that this DLC would be a bit more final, so in that way it's a disappointment. There's still a lot of stuff unanswered, which i'm sure will remain that way until more (most likely paid) DLC is released, or if a new game in the series is released. I'm still disappointed overall, but I feel like it's a minor step in the right direction, as the same person that made the above documentary put it in a video he released a day or so ago regarding the actual DLC itself put it: "it's still shit, but it's shit with sprinkles now!

I'll probablty watch the other endings tomorrow, maybe that'll change things once again, but I highly doubt it.

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

E3 Thoughts


Microsoft: D-

Way too much time spent on sports games, and additional functionality (not Netflix necessarily, but stuff like that, that isn't game related). I understand WHY they spent so much time on it, but for me personally, I just didn't care. Nothing against Usher, I think he's definitely talented, and they needed a "star," mainly because that's the norm these days, but I cringed when I saw him burst out onto the stage and break out into a song and dance routine. Starting off the conference with Halo 4 was a brilliant move, one I honestly didn't expect, although I feel stupid for not expecting it now. I mean, I knew it would be shown, just not first. I fully expected them to start with Black Ops II.

Other than Halo 4, there really wasn't any exclusive stuff that I cared about. They showed ACIII, which is awesome, but not Microsoft exclusive. The same goes with Splinter Cell, and Black Ops II (which I completely don't give a fuck about). Overall, not a whole lot to get excited about that made me want to boot up my 360 more than any other system. Oh, and the whole SmartGlass thing, while interesting in a way, I also didn't really care a whole lot about. I highly doubt i'd ever use it. But they're bringing Internet Explorer to 360, you guys! YAY! -_-

EA: C-

Starting off with Dead Space 3 (loved the hell out of DS2, so any footage about 3 had me at hello) was a wonderful touch, although like most other people i've heard talk about it, i'm worried it'll be too action-y, any not scary enough. Sports stuff, like I said in the MS part, don't fucking care. The new Need For Speed looks absolutely incredible, and its made by Criterion, the Burnout guys. I love the Burnout series, and this looks to be Need For Speed: Burnout Edition, which is perfectly fine by me. The Medal Of Honor stuff was meh, i'm fucking tired of gritty modern day first person shooters. The only one I still give a shit about is Battlefield 3. Speaking of, fuck Battlefield Premium.

Ubisoft: C+

Flo Rida starting off a conference doesn't really resonate with me. I like a few of his songs, but it was about the dancing genre, which i'm not a huge fan of. Poor Aisha Tyler, I know she wants to be there, because I know she loves games, but you could totally tell she wanted to beat the shit out of Tobiscuit or whatever the fuck his name was every time he opened his mouth. Can't say that I blame her either, that guy can go fuck himself. The Avengers game could be interesting if it's modeled somewhat after the Marvel Ultimate Alliance/X-Men Legends stuff, I liked those games well enough to want to play another. Far Cry 3 looks alright, although the co-op multiplayer thing they showed looked absolutely terrible. Didn't see much of the ZombiU stuff until Nintendo's conference, so I'll save that for it.

More AC3 stuff, which was awesome. The Watch_Dogs stuff looked (visually speaking) pretty damned incredible. I hear it was running on a pretty high-end PC, so that could be part of it. I originally thought it could be a next-gen game, but their website lists it as coming out on current consoles, so there's that. As for the game itself, I wasn't 100% sure what was supposed to be happening, mainly because the talk before the actual demo stuff started nearly put me to sleep, but the idea behind what was going on sounds pretty cool.

Sony: C

It's sad to me, to think that Sony had the most new IPs out of the whole show. Granted, they really only had two (Beyond and The Last Of Us), but that's more than everyone else. I was a big fan of Heavy Rain, so to see what those guys have been up to since was awesome. Didn't really see a whole lot of gameplay, but what they showed was pretty fantastic. The visuals in that game, especially in the faces, were outstanding. Ellen Page's character even gave that signature smirk, which was an awesome touch. The PS All Stars stuff didn't look all that fantastic, i'd much rather play Smash Bros over it any day. Plus, when I think of the Big Daddies from Bioshock, I don't think Playstation. It'll be interesting for sure, but it's not on my list of things to buy. The PS+ stuff was alright, but nothing i'm interested in. Even more ACIII, this time BOAT COMBAT. I love how the enemy ships took one shot (relatively speaking, I know there were a lot of cannonballs flying at once) to burst into explosions and sink, but the player's boat barely took any damage. VIDEOGAAAAAAAMES. Also, the weather effects were absolutely amazing. Beautiful, sunny day one second; Dark, cloudy, stormy weather the next.

God of War, more like God Of BORE. I know, lame fucking joke, but my much more of Kratos slicing and dicing do we need? I never got into this series of games, mainly because other cames (*cough*devilmaycry*cough*) have done it way better. Outside of the ultra violence, it doesn't have anything for me. Plus, that demo went on too long. And speaking of demos going on way too long, Wonderbook. Fuck everything about that demo. It brought shit to a CRAWL, and I was just sitting there waiting for it to be over. It took that one lady what, 5 times before the thing picked up wtf she was doing? Ending the show with The Last Of Us was absolutely brilliant. Fuck, does that game look amazing. I am a huge fan of the Uncharted series, and I know Naughty Dog can put out amazing games, I am so ready for this. As soon as the guy's female companion chucked a brick at that one guys head, I was in love.

Nintendo: F+

They really needed to show what the WiiU is capable of, but they just didn't, at least not any better than they did last year. Other than Pikmin 3, there really weren't any surprises. Even Pikmin 3 wasn't a surprise, when I think about it. Everyone knew a new New Super Mario Bros was coming out. I was so ready for Nintendo to show me something that would make me want to pick up a WiiU sooner rather than later, but it just didn't happen. I'm interested in the system, but I feel no need to rush out and pick one up when they come out. Nothing really about 3DS, at least nothing worth mentioning, since they're holding that stuff off for a later date, for whatever fucking reason. I was just bored the whole way through. I'm glad multi-platform stuff will be easier to port over to the new system, but again it's not a system selling thing. The Nintendoland stuff wasn't really all that interesting either, it was basically better versions of some of the tech demo stuff they showed last year.

And fuck, what a horrible way to end the show. Virtual fireworks? Really? Where was the "oh, and there's one more thing" moment? Where was anything other than New SMBU? Where was Metroid? Zelda? Star Fox? Donkey Kong? Smash Bros? What's Retro up to? C'mon Nintendo, I WANT to like your stuff, just give me a reason to.

Best Moments

Anything involving Assassin's Creed III. I want that game, and I want it now. As for moments from the conferences, I don't know. My least favorite though, was Wonderbook. That was a lame idea (even if I had kids, i'd still think it's lame), and the demo they gave straight up didn't work. Oh, my favorite moment (non game related) was the South Park guys (I think it was Matt, specifically) making a joke at Microsoft's expense, at their own conference. I lol'd.

Must Buys

Assassin's Creed III - It's already pre-ordered.
The Last Of Us - Naughty Dog makes it. Enough said.
Need For Speed: Most Wanted - Made by the Burnout guys, I can't pass this up.
Halo 4 - I'm ready for more Halo, and the new enemy/weapon types looked pretty cool.
Dead Space 3 - Love, love, LOVE Dead Space 2, and I am so ready for more.

Potential Buys

Watch_Dogs - Interesting premise, i'm interested in seeing what comes next.
Beyond: Two Souls - I am super interested, but depending on what they show in the next few months, that could wane.
Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance - It's Metal Gear meets Devil May Cry. Sounds good to me, if Platinum doesn't fuck it up.
Tomb Raider - Looks like their take on Uncharted (which I know is basically looping around to where the genre started), which i'm all for.
Resident Evil 6 - It's a new Resident Evil, it'll be hard to pass this up.
DmC - Wasn't shown at a conference, but I saw the new trailer, and i'm in. I wasn't at first, but the more I see about it, the more i'm ready for it.

Final Thought: I posted this on Facebook a little while ago, thought i'd share it here. In past E3s, there were so many awesome games. I would go to the nearby EB/Gamestop the weekend after E3 with a list at least 10 games long to pre-order on the spot. This year, that's definitely not happening. I'll still pre-order stuff, but nowhere near that magnitude. Nothing really grabbed me, and got me super excited. Nothing was revealed that truly shocked me

Thursday, December 29, 2011

1) Portal 2
I completely forgot this game actually came out in 2011. I loved the hell out of it, and I remember playing it for hours at a time, trying to beat it, and having a wonderful time. And then after that, staying up super late with my friend going through co-op together, and having a wonderful time. The characters, the story, the music, and the action all were incredible, and IMO there was never a dull moment. Portal 1 was my game of the year back when it came out, so it's little surprise Portal 2 is my game of the year this year.

2) Dead Space 2
Oh man was this game great. I was to much of a pussy to play through the first game, but I did watch a Let's Play on Youtube, and enjoyed watching it. Before that, I had read the "prequel" novel, and fell in love with the story in general, which made me want to seek out the other games. After watching DS1 being played, I just HAD to buy the second, and I wasn't disappointed. The game grabs you from the beginning and doesn't let go.

3) Bastion
I didn't really know what to think of this game going into it. The gaming podcasts I listened to couldn't say enough good things about it, so I went out on a limb and gave it a shot, and i'm glad I did. The story in this game was incredible, and the way it was told was very unique, and always interesting. I never would've thought the idea of a narrator would work in a video game, but Bastion found a way to make it work, and work well. The gameplay was great, and the music was outstanding. Definitely a game that deserves to be played.

4) Uncharted 3
I absolutely LOVED Uncharted was by far one of my favorite games of all time. I eagerly anticipated the third game, and I wasn't let down, at least not very much. I went into the game knowing what I was going to get, and I got exactly that, and i'm not sad or disappointed in the least. I loved just about every moment of this game, and it's one of the most beautiful games i've ever seen. The action in this game is outstanding, it actually feels like you're playing an Indiana Jones movie. The characters are loveable, and after getting to know them for two games, I was looking forward to seeing how it all played out in the third. Oh, and Cutter was awesome.

5) Skyward Sword
This one just barely makes it in my top five. While I loved the game, and am not ashamed to call it one of, if not my favorite 3D Zelda game since Wind Waker, there were quite a few flaws that can't be overlooked. One, having to read the slow moving text, with no decent way to speed it up. Yes, you can hold a button and it goes a tiny bit faster, but it's not enouh. Two, Motion Plus, while used well 98% of the time, was incredibly frustrating the 2% of the time it didn't work. Case in point, I can't tell you how many times I swung the Wiimote in a direction that the enemy indicated would go through their defense, only to have the enemy block that exact direction mere milliseconds before I would swing. Three, having to read the explanation text EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME you picked up a bug/tumbleweed/upgrade ingredient was absolutely unforgiveable. Not only that, but every time it had to show you where it went in your inventory. So incredibly aggravating. With that said, I absolutely loved the characters in this game, and the ways they were portrayed. Zelda actually had some character to her outside of "omg, rescue me Link!" like she does in most games. And yes, i'm aware Tetra had tons of character to her, but she wasn't technically Zelda at that point. She actually went on a bit of a journey herself, and Link was pretty much along for the ride, a ride which I loved and enjoyed until the very end.

I'm still somewhat up in the air about Skyward Sword, and i'm sure i'm forgetting a few games here and there, but I will revise it if need be. For now, these are my choices.

Monday, November 21, 2011

If you've been a fan of even one or two Zelda games over the years, you owe it to yourself to play Skyward Sword. All in all it was an amazing experience, one i'm looking forward to repeating down the line. Some reviews have said the game is slow to start, and in my experience I didn't really feel that way. Maybe it's partly because I know what to expect in a Zelda game, which when I think about it could also make it harder to get through. But for me personally, I didn't mind it. It may have been slow going, but the visuals are amazing enough that it didn't really bother me. While Skyward Sword is an amazing game visually, I can't help but wonder just how much better it would look in HD. Luckily, there's a way to get a better idea how it would look, but that's another story entirely.

Every world is amazingly beautiful, and definitely varied. Lanayru in particular stood out as visually striking. The way the world, in real time, changes between past and present versions as you're moving around never gets old. Every time I had to go back there, I was amazed at what they were able to pull off. Seeing grass grow, hills pop out of the ground, and piles of bones come to life was an amazing visual effect, one that I don't think i've ever seen before. The character models take a bit getting used to, but once you're fully invested in the world, it's not as bad. The design of some of the boss characters was definitely unique, things i'd never seen before not only in the Zelda series itself (which has always had amazing bosses, IMO), but in gaming as a whole.

As for the controls themselves, when they work, they work very, very well. There were quite a few frustrations to be had, but when I think about it, they could be more due to my own personal mistakes than the controls themselves. For example, the stab move with the sword can be somewhat tricky to pull off if you're a bit jerky in your motion. I would be shaking the nunchuck accidentally from time to time when trying to stab, and would end up doing a spin move instead. But again, that sounds like more of a fault of my own. To my own defense though, in the heat of battle it's hard for me to maintain my composure. Yeah, let's go with that. At any rate, like I said before, when they work, they work. No game has made me feel more like I was swinging the sword or using the items. Any way you can swing the sword works. You do need to be somewhat precise now and again, however. There have been times where I felt I was swinging perfectly horizontally, but if I went upwards even a little bit, it would result in a diagonal swing.

There are plenty of enemies that make it so you HAVE to swing a certain way, and if you don't you're screwed. There are a few enemies where you can tell they're guarding a certain direction, but for some reason by the time I would actually swing, they'd move their guard and block my swing. Again, that could be more my fault, but it seemed to me like they were a bit psychic. More often than not it worked out well, but there were plenty of times where it would happen often enough to be very frustrating.

My first time through the game took about 34 hours, give or take a few minutes. And in that time, I was only not enjoying about 7 hours or so. That may be due to my own problem, however. I've told friends in the past that I believe because I felt that I was nearing the end of the game, only to find out I had a few more hours left, made those hours a bit more painful than they would have been otherwise. I think it's my familiarity with the Zelda series as a whole that made me feel that way. I got the whole “you've been working all this time to save me, but here's what's really going on” speech, and I took that to mean the end was near. I can't help but wonder how differently I would've felt had I not been thinking that way.

When it's all said and done, I can look back favorably on this game. The pain I felt over the last couple hours was definitely erased by the final series of battles. They felt suitably epic, and definitely felt like the culmination of my skills up until that point. The game also does a great job of setting up future events. As it's been said for a while now, Skyward Sword takes place way before the other games in the series, so it does give enough of an explanation for what happens in other games, and I don't really see how Nintendo could make another Zelda game that could have taken place before this one. Overall, I wouldn't give this game a perfect score, but it comes damn close.

Final score: A

Now, as a word of warning, everything past this will be SPOILERS. So if you don't want to know anything story related: DO NOT READ FURTHER.

The last boss fights, the FINAL one especially, felt amazingly epic. Right up there with Wind Waker and Ocarina of Time in top Zelda boss fights of all time. With the way Groose looks and acts (in the beginning especially), they kind of set him up to be an embodiment of Ganon in some way, but thankfully that wasn't the case. The Ghirahim fights (with the exception of the last, oddly enough) were incredibly frustrating. It felt like no matter how I swung my sword in tandem with how he held his hand, he would grab my sword. I don't know if I was just doing something wrong or what, but he would end up grabbing my sword 99% of the time. The final Ghirahim fight was pretty damned easy, probably the easiest fight I had all game. The boss of the fire temple (the first time through, anyway) was pretty awesome as well, and a good use of bombs.

The items themselves felt like they came in handy outside of the dungeon you got them in, which is one of the things I really, really hated about Twilight Princess. With the exception of the whip (if Lucasarts were to use Motion Plus, and could make a decent game, they could definitely use the whip controls in this game as a basis), every item got its time to shine outside of the initial dungeons. Going back to the whip for a moment, using it to rip a horn off the belt of a bokoblin that kept using it to call in more of his buddies was a nice touch, I felt like a bit of a badass there.

I said it before, and i'll say it again, the final boss fight against Demise was amazing. It wasn't anything incredibly varied or unique or anything like that, it was just a good old fashioned sword fight. It really felt like I was in an actual sword fight, using the nunchuck as my shield arm to block his slashes, only to counter with my sword was amazing. I loved the hell out of it.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

To quote The White Stripes, I just don't know what to do with myself.

I haven't been in very many relationships in my life. So it's safe to say when it comes to relationships, i'm still pretty much a virgin, for lack of a better term. With each relationship, i've learned something else about myself, and about how they work, but overall i'm clueless. I'm not proud to admit this, but i'd rather be honest with myself about it.

The first real relationship I ever had never really went all that far. I was with someone who had a lot of similar interests to my own, and whom I got along with fabulously. She would drive long distances just to hang out, and we'd always have a great time. However, during the course of it, I was always too afraid to do anything outside of friend zone shit. Looking back on it now, I was stupid to be as afraid as I was, because from what I gather, that's what cost me that relationship. I've never gotten confirmation, so I could be wrong, but i've had a lot of time to think about it over the years, and that's the conclusion I came to. She most likely just got tired of waiting for me to do something, anything, to show that I cared about her on a “more than friends” level. I always wanted desperately to do something to show her, but I was always too afraid that I was pushing things too far, that I was moving too fast, and that I would scare her off.

That relationship taught me an important lesson that would help strengthen all future relationships since that point. Ever since then, i've been less afraid of showing how I feel, whether it's holding hands while walking in public, general snuggling/cuddling, kissing, or what have you. There's always that trepidation the first time, naturally, but I usually overcome it. And in the times I have, it's gone well. The next few relationships I was in, I was not afraid to do that something more, whatever it might have been. My second, third, and fourth girlfriends all started off being girlfriends rather quickly. Within the first three dates or so, we were doing more relationship-y stuff (see above), and I loved it. I cared a great deal about all of the girls i've been with (all 4 of them), and like I said, it took that first relationship crapping out for me to realize that the risk is worth it. That if I felt that strongly about someone I was with, I should show them, and not be afraid.

And here's where we jump to my current situation. For the past month and a half, i've been hanging out with someone, and we get along great. We have a whole lot in common; we both like video games, we both like similar types of music, movies, TV shows, etc. And every time i'm with her, I have a wonderful time, and I don't want it to end. With her, I care about her a great deal, I know that much already. The problem i'm having is, I find myself once again in the situation with my first relationship...i'm afraid to show my affection. And in this case, I feel like it's a bit more justified, mainly because I know a bit more about how she feels about relationships in general, and other more personal details I won't get into here.

But I find myself in this predicament once again, and it bothers me. Not because i'm in any sort of rush to push things past just being friends, i'm not. I'm perfectly happy being patient, and hoping things work out for the best. I just care a lot about her, and as I said earlier I love hanging out with her, and i'm loving getting to know her. However, knowing what I know about how she feels, it's hard to tell when I should try to show affection. Being perfectly honest, I want to...I do, I don't deny that. But with her, i'm genuinely afraid of pushing her away, and I feel that in this case, it's a definite possibility. It's a fine line to walk, and one that to be quite frankly bugs me. Again, not because i'm trying to rush things, but because I pretty much feel helpless. I absolutely loathe feeling helpless, it's not a good feeling. Sometimes when we're together, I want so badly just to kiss her on the cheek, by all accounts a simple, non-consequential action. But my fear of losing her overwhelms me, and I hold back. I feel like it's the right course of action when I think about it later on, but it still doesn't really feel....”right,” I guess.

In the short time that i've known her, i've grown to care a great deal about her. As a friend for sure, but I still want to be more than just that. I feel that I should just be patient, and confident that things will work out for the best. In the meantime, I just don't know what to do with myself.

Monday, July 25, 2011

I am so sick and tired of my worrying brain. Yet again i'm sitting here alone questioning every little detail of the other night, wondering if I did anything wrong or did anything to possibly upset someone. 99% of the time I don't have anything to worry about, but there's just some part of my mind that constantly worries. I can't shut it off, I wish I knew how, because it does nothing but depress me and put me in a state of mind I don't want to be in. It's something that I can't escape, no matter how hard I try. If i'm not doing something that's brain intensive (for lack of a better term), my mind instantly wanders to the worrying section, and i'm powerless to do anything about it.

For a little background, i've been talking to this girl Alyssa online for a few weeks now, and last Sunday, her and I met up for the first time. I had a wonderful time, and she said she did too, but even with that knowledge, my mind went right to worrying. Did I make her uncomfortable somehow? Should I have put my arm around her? Should I have done this/that? I can't help but nitpick every little detail trying to think where I may have done something wrong. Now since that day, her and I have continued talking, and we even went out last night as well. Once again I sat here at home most of the day, not doing a whole lot, and of course I worried yet again. Am I moving too fast? Am I making her uncomfortable by how forward I may or may not be acting? It doesn't help the fact that I haven't heard anything from her since then even though i've tried to contact her during the day. I haven't gone overboard, because I don't want to be too forward, but i've sent her a text message earlier, I sent her one last night saying I had a great time, I sent her a message on Skype, all have gone unanswered.

Now I know I can't expect her to respond right away at my beck and call, I can't expect that from anyone. I know people have lives, and there are things much more important. It's this lack of communication that doesn't help, and I know I just need to be patient, but yet again, my mind won't let me. I sit here, and I worry, and I hate it because i'm 99% sure I have nothing to worry about. I don't like it, and I want it to stop. I just don't know how.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Way too many people are far too caught up on looks to ever get to know someone. I experience this on a daily basis, and am most definitely guilty of it myself from time to time. It's become more apparent to me now that i'm single again. The people I contact to try and hook up are perfectly willing to talk to me until I send a picture, and then they shut up. I know i'm not the best looking guy in the world, but i'm not some hideous, overweight, pimply chud. I understand that people have a “type,” and I do as well, but i'm at least willing to go deeper than just how people look. I know there's more underneath that, and i'm more than willing to go the extra mile to learn what all makes up a person.

I'm just sick and fucking tired of being rejected solely on how I look. It's stupid, and it's pathetic. I know that I need to make a consistent effort to get past that myself, and I will definitely be working on that. It's a personal flaw i'm not too happy about, but at least I can admit it to myself. That's at the very least a first step. It's more of a risk than I see most people taking.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I just had the weirdest dream, or set of dreams really, i'm not sure which. Now, in this dream I had last night, I remembered having a dream previously about Maynard James Keenan from Tool talking about the forming of the universe. I can't remember if it was in the format of a Tool song, or if I was just dreaming he was telling me face to face about it, I'm not really sure. But in this latest dream, I was at a lecture hall of some sort. Not sure if it was at a school, or at a auditorium, or where. But I was there for a speech on the forming of the universe. Now, I can't remember why, but for some reason I went outside, and I saw Maynard talking to Denis Leary about something...i'm not really sure what. I just know while I was watching them talk, I was thinking about the previous dream I had about Maynard talking to me, and wanted to talk to Maynard, asking him if it was weird that I was dreaming about him. I was also considering whether or not I should talk to him, or ask him for a picture, I eventually manned up and went over.

Now, what's strange is that when I saw him talking with Denis Leary before, he was standing up, but when I went to talk to him, he was sitting in a wheelchair. I was kinda shocked, but before asking him about what happened, I asked him for a picture. He said "Sure," and as I knelt down for the picture, I asked him what happened. I was fumbling for my iPod, trying to find the camera button as he explained what happened. I had the iPod in my hand and was trying to take the picture as well as talk to Maynard, when for some reason, I looked up and saw Ted Kennedy in a wheelchair, wheeling his way over to us. As I was trying to talk to Maynard, Ted Kennedy asked if he could talk to Maynard for a second, and he and I argued for a bit about how I just wanted to ask him something real quick, but Ted Kept trying to talk to Maynard before I could get a word out. I finally gave him the benefit of the doubt and let him talk, while I waited my turn. But before he could, I woke up. The first thing on my mind when I woke up was "fucking Ted Kennedy!"

Now what's confusing me even more about this is I can't remember if I actually had my original dream about Maynard talking to me about the forming of the universe, or if in my dream last night, I was remembering a dream I had, but didn't ACTUALLY have...if that makes any sense.


Tuesday, April 05, 2011

The song is "Make It Stop (September's Children) by Rise Against. I love the message in this song, even though the song itself isn't my favorite.

Bang bang go the coffin nails
Like a breath exhaled
Then gone forever
It seems just like yesterday
How did I miss the red flags raise?
Think back to the days we laughed
We braved these bitter storms together
Brought to his knees he cried
But on his feet he died

What God would damn a heart?
And what God drove us apart?
What God could

Make it stop?
Let this end
Eighteen years pushed to the ledge.
It's come to this
A weightless step
On the way down singing

Bang bang from the closet walls
The schoolhouse halls
The shotgun's loaded
Push me and I'll push back
I'm done asking, I demand
From a nation under God,
I feel it's love like a cattle prod

Born free, but still they hate
Bore me, no, I can't change
It's always darkest just before the dawn
So stay awake with me, let's prove them wrong

Make it stop
Let this end
Eighteen years pushed to the ledge
It's come to this
A weightless step
On the way down singing

The cold river washed him away
But how could we forget
The gatherings hold candles
But not their tongues
And too much blood has flown from the wrist
Of children shamed for those they chose to kiss
Who will rise to stop the blood

We're calling for,
Insisting on
A different beat, yeah
A brand new song

Monday, March 21, 2011

If you've known me for a long time, you most likely know i'm not the most secure person in the world. All my life i've been pretty insecure, and it's only in the last ten years or so that i've started to come out of that. Around my friends I haven't changed much, but i've become much more open since I became a FedEx driver. I can't really say why that's helped, but it has.

So, even though overall i'm happy with myself, there are times when my insecurities creep up and torture me. I was never a popular kid in school, and a lot of the time I was picked on for some reason or another. In high school it didn't get any better. Hell, for a time I stopped going to PE because there were a few douchebags who were making fun of me. Luckily I got away from that shitty high school and got to one where I was much more accepted, and things were never that bad again.

Every once in a while, i'll see a Facebook post that just gets me questioning things. It's my old insecurities creeping up once again. When I think about things, I feel like I don't have anything to worry about, but then again I can't say I really know for sure. Now, I know this problem could easily be rectified by actually talking to them, but it's just hard for me. I'm just afraid of hearing what could potentially be bad news, and I just don't bring up the subject at all. It's hard for me to think about stuff like that, and living with the answer could be painful, but in the end is it worth it?

Is it better to know the truth or to just ignore it and live in bliss?