I don’t know.

That seems to be a theme in my life as of late. I don’t know what I want to do when it comes to pretty much any serious decision. I don’t know if I want to move. I don’t know if I want to try and start a relationship with anyone out here because of the fact that I might move. I’ve considered putting up a personal ad somewhere, but if I decide to move, what’s the point? Is it worth trying to start something with someone if I’m just going to move away in a few months? What makes that decision hard for me is I’m really lonely a lot of the time as of late. When my mind isn’t occupied with work or video games or what have you, I really start to think, and it hits me just how alone I am most of the time. I enjoy being alone, don’t get me wrong…but there’s just times when I don’t want to be, and more often than not it really isn’t an option.

As I’ve said before, the only friends I really have out here anymore are Ben and Ewa. Now, I don’t ever hang out with Ewa by ourselves, not for any particular reason, but it just doesn’t happen. Usually when I hang out with Ben, Ewa comes along too, and that isn’t a problem, so don’t go thinking it is, I like hanging out with both of them. A lot of the time I don’t want to call him up because I don’t want them to think that I’m trying to always be around, being a 3^rd wheel. I want to give them all the space they need to have their alone time. And I’m not saying that Ben and I don’t ever spend time doing shit by ourselves, either. It’s just less frequent. Can you tell I’m rambling a little?

I still don’t really know if it’s a good idea to move out or not. I’m in a lot of debt to credit cards, so I don’t really know if, even with a full time position, if I can support myself on my own and still be able to pay the credit card bills every month. Even though technically I wouldn’t be paying something like the rent all by myself…I’ve gotten offers from pretty much everyone out in Arizona to move in with them, which is awesome. It doesn’t seem like it’d be too hard to find a job with FedEx out there either, it seems like every time I look at job listings, there’s an opening or two at various stations near where I will most likely move.

It’s a really difficult time for me right now. With so many things up in the air, it really wouldn’t be fair to start a relationship with anyone out here, but I really want to give it a try anyway. I’m not too optimistic about anything actually happening, but it doesn’t hurt to try. I’m tired of just coming home from work, sitting in front of the computer and doing nothing. I’ve been trying to move away from that for a while, and while I’m not successful all of the time, I have been getting a bit better. The last two Sundays I went for a bike ride. Last week I rode almost 11 miles, today about 9. I’ve also been working a lot more lately, thanks to being short staffed. I’ve been scheduled for my day off for almost two months now, although I’ve gotten out of that here and there. Last Saturday was a HORRIBLE day at work, I worked about 4 hours longer than I usually do, and I was the only one doing pickups for the whole station because the other guy who usually does had to be a CSA (customer service agent, the front counter people) for the Long Beach station, because one of their guys decided to just not show up. The only real bright side to it is that I’ve been making a lot more money. Plus, it’s been less time spent in front of the computer, which is always a good thing.

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