Sunday, August 21, 2011

To quote The White Stripes, I just don't know what to do with myself.

I haven't been in very many relationships in my life. So it's safe to say when it comes to relationships, i'm still pretty much a virgin, for lack of a better term. With each relationship, i've learned something else about myself, and about how they work, but overall i'm clueless. I'm not proud to admit this, but i'd rather be honest with myself about it.

The first real relationship I ever had never really went all that far. I was with someone who had a lot of similar interests to my own, and whom I got along with fabulously. She would drive long distances just to hang out, and we'd always have a great time. However, during the course of it, I was always too afraid to do anything outside of friend zone shit. Looking back on it now, I was stupid to be as afraid as I was, because from what I gather, that's what cost me that relationship. I've never gotten confirmation, so I could be wrong, but i've had a lot of time to think about it over the years, and that's the conclusion I came to. She most likely just got tired of waiting for me to do something, anything, to show that I cared about her on a “more than friends” level. I always wanted desperately to do something to show her, but I was always too afraid that I was pushing things too far, that I was moving too fast, and that I would scare her off.

That relationship taught me an important lesson that would help strengthen all future relationships since that point. Ever since then, i've been less afraid of showing how I feel, whether it's holding hands while walking in public, general snuggling/cuddling, kissing, or what have you. There's always that trepidation the first time, naturally, but I usually overcome it. And in the times I have, it's gone well. The next few relationships I was in, I was not afraid to do that something more, whatever it might have been. My second, third, and fourth girlfriends all started off being girlfriends rather quickly. Within the first three dates or so, we were doing more relationship-y stuff (see above), and I loved it. I cared a great deal about all of the girls i've been with (all 4 of them), and like I said, it took that first relationship crapping out for me to realize that the risk is worth it. That if I felt that strongly about someone I was with, I should show them, and not be afraid.

And here's where we jump to my current situation. For the past month and a half, i've been hanging out with someone, and we get along great. We have a whole lot in common; we both like video games, we both like similar types of music, movies, TV shows, etc. And every time i'm with her, I have a wonderful time, and I don't want it to end. With her, I care about her a great deal, I know that much already. The problem i'm having is, I find myself once again in the situation with my first relationship...i'm afraid to show my affection. And in this case, I feel like it's a bit more justified, mainly because I know a bit more about how she feels about relationships in general, and other more personal details I won't get into here.

But I find myself in this predicament once again, and it bothers me. Not because i'm in any sort of rush to push things past just being friends, i'm not. I'm perfectly happy being patient, and hoping things work out for the best. I just care a lot about her, and as I said earlier I love hanging out with her, and i'm loving getting to know her. However, knowing what I know about how she feels, it's hard to tell when I should try to show affection. Being perfectly honest, I want to...I do, I don't deny that. But with her, i'm genuinely afraid of pushing her away, and I feel that in this case, it's a definite possibility. It's a fine line to walk, and one that to be quite frankly bugs me. Again, not because i'm trying to rush things, but because I pretty much feel helpless. I absolutely loathe feeling helpless, it's not a good feeling. Sometimes when we're together, I want so badly just to kiss her on the cheek, by all accounts a simple, non-consequential action. But my fear of losing her overwhelms me, and I hold back. I feel like it's the right course of action when I think about it later on, but it still doesn't really feel....”right,” I guess.

In the short time that i've known her, i've grown to care a great deal about her. As a friend for sure, but I still want to be more than just that. I feel that I should just be patient, and confident that things will work out for the best. In the meantime, I just don't know what to do with myself.