Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Sorry for the lack of updates as of late, life hasn't been all that exciting lately. Work's been the same as usual, except Quiksilver is starting to get busier once again, which sucks because this week it's been pretty hot. Last Saturday I got to come in late, around 12PM, and work until around 5. It was nice being able to sleep in for once on a Saturday. Work was pretty tolerable that day too. There's a possibility I might get to do it again this Saturday, because my manager might need me to run a late shuttle to LAX, and the company has a policy where an employee can't work for the next 10 hours after they clock out. So, if I clocked out past 10PM, I wouldn't be able to come in until after 8AM on Saturday. I don't know if that means i'd just start an hour later, or if i'd get to come in at noon again or what.

Sunday and Monday were real nice too, I went over to Ben's late Sunday and that night and the next day we spent playing video games all day, something I haven't done in forever. It wasn't the most exciting day in the world, but I enjoyed myself just the same. His cousin came over and we played X-Men Legends 2 for about 5 hours nonstop, which was great. Earlier, we were playing Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks which is a really fun co-op game to play. Other than that, nothing real exciting went on. Still talking to Dana every night, she'll be out here next week. Hopefully she'll be able to find a roommate and a job relatively soon, so we can actually try being a normal couple for once. :p I just hope she likes it out here and isn't too homesick. I think she'll be fine. Dunno how long she'll want to stay down here though. We'll see how things go...yeah.

Ja ne.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

So yeah, I went up to see Dana this weekend, and things went well. We're still friends, we just hung out basically, didn't do a whole lot. I asked my manager on Friday if I could possibly get out of work a little early on Saturday so I wouldn't have to worry about missing my flight, and things were looking okay until about 2:30PM when I got a bunch of oncalls and had to stay a half hour later than usual (left around 4:15PM) and raced down to John Wayne airport, and missed my flight by maybe 2 minutes. I got transferred onto another flight through Delta Airlines, which left sometime around 7:30PM. I got to Denver at about 11 something, and Dana met me down at the baggage claim. We hugged, and then made our way over to the tram area that took us over to where I got my rental car. We got to the hotel around 12AM and pretty much went to sleep, cause I was really tired from the long day at work and the flight.

We went down to a fancy-ish mall and walked around for a little bit on Sunday, and on Monday we went to downtown Denver to have lunch at a Subway. Dana and I are still friends at the moment, but we're both kinda keeping things open and seeing how we are in a few weeks when she moves down here. Hopefully we can find her a roommate pretty quick, so we can go on actual dates and try being a normal couple.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Don't get the wrong idea from that last post, I haven't made up my mind one way or the other if Dana and I will give it another shot. I still think waiting to see how things work out in the future is the best way to go about things, even though there's that side of me that wants to just be with her again. I don't think its strong enough to take over just yet, but there's no real way of knowing when it will.

I just realized a while ago that my USB flash drive on my keychain is missing, which pissed me off. I don't have any idea where the hell it could be, and its got the stories I'd written so long ago. One of them I was about 20 pages in to, so hopefully I still have a copy of it and the others on my computer at home. But, since i'm over at Ben's yet again, I can't check...and that bugs me. I actually had an urge to write again, too. Meh...

Here I am at 3AM, and for some reason, even though I know I should be asleep, I just can't get myself to fall asleep. I'll probably get the urge later, but this is the first time i've felt like this in a long time. I'm not really that tired, although I don't feel all that lively, either. Ja ne.

Monday, September 12, 2005

So, i'm going up to Colorado to see Dana this weekend. I had bought tickets to go up there and surprise her for our 4th month anniversary...and when I think about it, buying those tickets might've helped fuel the fire of me not being able to afford living on my own (with Dana, I mean). Money had been tight for a while, and with the money I spent to fly out there, rent a car, AND get a hotel just put me further in the hole. I still think it would've been super tight regardless, but that didn't help things. But when I bought them, I didn't really care. I wanted to see her badly and thought i'd still be able to handle the financial burden, but evidently I was wrong. I still think I made the right decision in calling things off, I just wish I had spoken up sooner. I think it would've saved both of us a lot of trouble instead of just going along with it...but I wanted Dana to be happy, I can't really be at fault for that can I? I still want her to be happy, of course. The breakup hasn't hurt our relationship THAT badly. I still think we're good friends, and I hope we can be for a long time. And who knows, maybe things will change further on down the line, and we can give it another shot.

Anyway, I kinda got off on a bit of a tangent. This weekend's gonna be weird, and I just hope it doesn't drive us further apart. I don't really think it will, but there's always that lingering fear in the back of my mind, you know? It'll be nice to see her again, but awkward at the same time. I know when I get there and she's at the airport waiting for me, i'm just gonna want to run up to her, give her a big hug and a kiss, just like things never ended...but there's still that part of me that's afraid of the same thing happening again. I don't think its really lonliness anymore, its more that the more I think about it, the more I think I should just let the past be the past. I'm sure i'll get tons of comments saying i'm a dumbass for thinking about it, but I can't help it. I guess I just have to be really patient about this, and not really make up my mind until we actually see each other again, and see how things go. I don't's all so confusing. Ja ne.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Now i'm back in the mindset that i'm better off without her. I don't want to lose her as part of my life, but Dana's got a bit of growing up to do....and until that day comes, I don't think I can get back together with her, much as the thought of being alone scares me. I know i've got my friends and family, so i'm not truly alone...but for me, having someone outside of family tell me that they love me, and mean it...its just the greatest feeling in the world. Its like, I feel whole when I know that someone else truly LOVES me. It was that way with Dana for a while, and now...its just a shell of what it used to be. She's been going on a binge of sorts since we broke up, and I don't really like where its going...i'm scared for her. I don't want her getting caught up in smoking, drinking, etc. and letting it fuck her life over. She told me that she got really high last weekend, and has the urge to do it again, just because. Now, I don't know if its because i'm either a) not addicted to it, or b) am just unable to get that dependant on it, but I don't see myself ever saying "I want to get high, just because I can." When I get high, its mainly to relax myself, to let myself just fade into practical retardation...laughing at the stupidest things and just enjoying being a moron. There are times when I really, and I mean really need that. And that's pretty much the only times I turn to pot. Sure its fun, and I have a good time when i'm high, but I don't need it to get through everyday life, and i'm just afraid that's what's going to happen to Dana. Not necessarily just pot, but that sort of excess in general. It truly scares me to see someone that I loved start on that path to destruction. I'm not sure how many people know this, but I lost my dad when I was 12, mostly due to the fact that he smoked for near 17 years I believe it was. The thought of possibly losing someone else I care about like that...just scares me shitless (Dana told me she smokes cigarettes too, apparently...).

So yeah, a lot of unneccesary drama going on tonight. I think I just need to take a break from her...not talk to her for a little while and just get my mind off of her, however I long as its not going to do me harm in the long run, of course. :p

Ja ne.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

God, i'm so confused right now. The more I think about Dana, the more I miss her. The more I miss her, the more I want to forgive and forget and just get back with her. There's part of me that wants to, and there's part of me that doesn't. The part that does...I dunno, I can't tell if I really do want her back, or if i'm just saying I do so I won't feel lonely. When her and I were together, I was really happy...I loved being in a relationship with her, even though at times I felt like I was kinda giving in to what she wanted and not really thinking things through. The part that doesn't is just afraid i'm going to get hurt again like I did the last time, that she'll flip out and go do something that'll end up hurting me, or making things worse. I don't want to have to worry about her going out and doing what she did this time, every time we have a fight of some kind. It seemed like at the first sign of trouble she overreacted, and things got out of hand. I've already forgiven her for it, even though it hurt a lot to hear what happened. We talked last night for the first time since Sunday, and it didn't really feel like anything changed. I still care a great deal about her, and I don't think I ever will stop, especially since she's the first real girlfriend i've had.

I don't know what to do...we both made mistakes, and have apologized for them. I'd like to move on, but I really just don't have a clue where to go. If I should start dating other people, if I should just wait a few months, see how things go and re-evaluate our relationship or what. I hate it when there's just no clear cut answer to things, but that's how life is, eh?

Ja ne.

Monday, September 05, 2005

I'm not really going to go into EVERY single detail of what happened between Dana and I, but I will just sorta run through the events. Basically, as most of you that read my old blog know, Dana and I were set to try and move in together in the first few weeks of October. She'd come down on the 5th, and we'd spend the next week looking at apartments. Well, to be completely honest, I wasn't really super excited about the idea, but I pretty much went along with it because I wanted to make Dana happy. I figured I had plenty of time to think about it and make sure I could handle it, and I really thought I could. That is, until Ben's dad gave me a wakeup call. Even though most everyone else's advice at the time was the same as his, for some reason it meant more coming from him...maybe because I felt he was more experienced with life or something, I don't really know. But anyway, after we talked, what he said really sank in, and even though I could've easily paid for the first month's rent, plus deposits for her dog and whatever else, I just didn't feel economically stable enough to really be able to give us a comfortable life, especially if anything went wrong. Like if I had gotten her pregnant...there is just NO way I'd be able to support a child right now, both financially and emotionally.

Anyway, I told her how I felt (through my other blog, which wasn't the best way to do it, but...yeah), and she reacted horribly. She was incredibly hurt, mainly because she had her hopes set on this, and it seemed like it was going down, only to find out I wasn't ready. I understand why she was hurt, and when she took it badly, I felt hurt as well. I had hoped she would at least understand my situation and respect it. Hell, if she really did love me, she would've understood. But nope, she wouldn't have any of it and was upset. She mentioned something about how she got over her past break-ups, by going out and getting fucked...which, after she left, obviously left a bad taste in my mouth. I know she said it just to hurt me, but little did I know she'd actually go out and do it this time. She didn't have actual penetration, but just the thought of her doing ANYTHING with another guy before we had made the breakup official made me sick, and hurt incredibly. If it had been after we made it a sure thing that we were done, it wouldn't have been as bad...but to do it when there's still a chance, no...that's just wrong. I know that she was hurt and was trying to make herself feel better, but you know what? I was hurt too. But did I go out and just fuck some random chick? No, because I thought there was still a chance to salvage what we had. Instead I went out with Ben and Ewa, and her friend Ahn, and we just had a good time. Watched a movie, got a few drinks and so forth.

I came home to a bunch of messages from her left on my MSN Messenger name, the details which escape me at the moment. But basically I sent her a message (not knowing at the time that she in fact had gone through with the "being with another guy" thing) saying not to give up on us, and that we'd talk tomorrow after things had calmed down and try to work things out. Ben and Ewa had given me the idea of still having her move down here, but instead of me moving out and into a place with her, we'd find her a roommate. That way her and I could live closer together, go on actual dates, and make sure that we didn't move in together until the time was right. For some reason for her, that was absolutely unacceptable. Why, I really have no idea. I still don't understand why the idea was so disgusting to her, as I said it'd give us time to be together, so we could both be absolutely sure its what we wanted. *sigh*

At that time I was still considering just letting that thing with the other guy pass, but She was with another guy the next night as well, but that was after we had made it official, so it doesn't bother me as much. And dammit, I had more to say, but i'm drawing a complete blank for now. I'll try and add the rest if I think about it. Ja ne.


So this is where i'm gonna be blogging from now on. I don't want Dana reading my thoughts anymore, because I know she'll just bitch at me for it.