Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The longer I think about moving to AZ, the more it sounds like a good idea. I fucking LOVE living out here in Huntington Beach...love it. But i'm thinking a move may be just what I need. New surroundings, new people to hang out with, all that jazz. Even if Ben doesn't move, I think it could be a good thing for me. The only thing that would hold me back is not being able to find a decent job out there. Plus I don't really have a place to live at the moment. I don't think it'd be a move in the next couple months, but even so, as far as I know there's no openings with friends. At least it's all still in the "i'll think about it" stage, so i've got plenty of time to worry about it.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

So, I think I’ve finally cleared my head enough over the past two days to give a better rendition of what’s happened recently, without bursting into tears. :p So here goes…the beginning might be a bit jumbled, it’s mostly just the thoughts that have been going through my head, in no particular order.

So, obviously I’m bummed out about what happened, I thought things were going so well, and in a way I guess they were, but it just wasn’t meant to be, I guess? For the past month and a half, Nicole has made me happier than I’d been in a long time. I was so very much in love. I don’t know what it is, but I just have this real need to be with someone. I can be alone just fine, but after a while it just gets old, and having someone to share my free time with was a wonderful experience. It didn’t hurt that her and I had a whole lot in common, and we got along really well. My feelings, like they usually do, hit full force pretty quickly, but this time I feel like my feelings were actually there, and not just in my head like they have been in the past. I cared (and still do, really) a great deal about Nicole, she was just a wonderful person all around, and I was overjoyed every time we were together. To find out that, while she does enjoy hanging out, the feelings of love weren’t mutual was a bit of a surprise. She never said the three magic words, even though I had…but I was okay with that. I think I’m just quick to fall in love, and she’s a bit more guarded about it, which is fine. I wasn’t hurt that she never did say it.

One of the things that kind of upset me was the way I had to find out. I’d been calling her for a few days this past weekend, but 9 times out of 10 I got her voicemail instead, and the paranoid part of me was working overdrive, and I was starting to think that she might’ve been avoiding me. So, instead of calling on my cell phone like I had in the past, I called on the house phone, and sure enough, she picked up. Now, I’m not mad that she was avoiding me, I can understand that what she was wanting to tell me isn’t an easy thing to tell someone, but I do admit that it stung a little that I pretty much had to trick her into answering. In all honesty, I would much rather she did what she did when I finally did get through, and tell me what was going on, than to just avoid the subject and let me worry for weeks on end. That’s what happened with Johnna, she never really told me things were over, she just stopped responding or answering her phone, and that hurt me…that hurt a lot. I couldn’t tell you how many times I sat at home, worried that things were over and never getting a confirmation. That bugged the shit out of me.

On a better note, one of the positives I can take away from my relationship with Nicole is that I gave it my all, which was my problem with Johnna. I was too scared I was moving too fast, and I never showed her that I cared. I told her, but I never did the things a boyfriend should’ve done. With Nicole, I did all those things, and I’m proud of myself for doing that. I think that in the future, I’ll have an easier time of doing that with others I want to start a relationship.

The one thing that really bugged me, and that quite possibly hurts the most is that the last day her and I were together was the day that I finally got a picture of the two of us together. Ever since we went on our first real date, I had been wanting to, but she’s a bit camera shy. The last day (last Monday) her and I hung out, she got her hair cut and wanted to take pictures of it to show off to her friends, and I of course jumped at the chance. I figured this would be my best shot to get a picture of the two of us, and it was. I was so unbelievably happy to finally have that, and to know that it was the last day her and I spent as boyfriend/girlfriend…it just kills me, so naturally I deleted it the first chance I got.

Anyway, if it seems like I’m bitter, I’m not. As strange as it may sound, I do hope that her and the guy she is going for now are happy. She gave me the best month and a half that I’ve had in a LONG time, and for that I’m very grateful, I just (of course) wish it were still going, but I’m not going to hold her back. If that’s what she wants, more power to her.

I’m just very glad that I’ve got a friend I can call on. If Ben hadn’t been there for me on Monday, I don’t know how much worse that day would’ve been. I knew that being alone wasn’t what I needed, and that I needed to hang out with someone, and I got lucky that he wasn’t at work. I figured he might’ve been, but I had to at least try. He came down, and we got lunch. I tried my best to hold it together, and didn’t really say a whole lot for fear of bursting out into tears in the restaurant. After that, we headed back up to his place and then went out to a nearby golf course and hung out at the driving range, hitting a few golf balls, which really helped. It was nice to get outside and get some physical activity, plus it made me want to do something like that again in the near future, I had a good time.

We decided to head to an Angels game as well, and man…what a game. We were sitting between third and home, underneath the second tier of seats. The Angels ended up winning it 10-9 in the 9th inning thanks to Chone Figgins. He was just on fire that night…if he didn’t get MVP of that game, I don’t know who else deserved it. It was a real back and forth game, and when they won it in the end, the whole place went nuts. It was a great way to end the day.

Yesterday and today were nothing special, just typical days. I’m a lot better than I was on Monday, but I’m still not 100% back to normal. I haven’t talked to Nicole since, and I don’t know when I’ll be ready to talk to her again. I honestly would like to be friends, but I know it’s just going to be too painful to see her and not be romantically linked with her. That’s just the way it goes, I guess.

Ben mentioned he was considering moving up to San Francisco as well, and that kinda caught me off guard. It got me thinking though, that if he leaves, other than my mom and grandma, I’m not really going to have anyone out here. So, once again I’m considering moving out to Arizona. I don’t know where I’m going to live exactly, but at the moment I’ve got a few options. I don’t even know If I’m going to be able to find a job out there, but I’m going to be looking at the FedEx job postings in the next few months, and see if I can’t transfer out there. I’d much rather work at the front counter out there than to be a driver, but if that’s all I’m going to get, I think I just might take it. I still don’t know if this is even going to happen, I’ve only really been giving it serious thought since Monday, so it’s obviously something I need to work out a bit more before I lay down anything concrete, but yeah…that’s what’s been going through my head the past few days.

To end with, here's a song that kinda fits with my mood the past few days (the bold section really fits):

Korn - Deep Inside

I'm not doing great
I feel like I'm dead
Not thinking straight
Inside my body, troubled, full of hate
I had to let it out before it's too late

Deep Inside, It can hide!
Feeling so lost and betrayed
why does this happen to me everytime
Stuck in this place, where I can't escape
Screaming and clawing from deep inside

Why won't it fade
Outside I had to lie; "I'm ok",
I hope someday, I'll stop getting pain
I guess this is a lie, I have made

Deep Inside, It can hide!
Feeling so lost and betrayed
why does this happen to me everytime
Stuck in this place, where I can't escape
Screaming and clawing from deep inside

What am I doing?
I can't believe this
I have been hiding
Wanting to be less
Giving to people,
They take from me
Always they bring drama to me

Look, look at me now

Feeling so lost and betrayed
why does this happen to me everytime
Stuck in this place, where I can't escape
Screaming and clawing from deep inside

I can't stand all this fucking Pain
Please god just go away
Please god just make the pain...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Well, Nicole and I are done...she still has feeling for someone she cared about that she went out with a few years ago, and they've become close again....so, we're done.

It's good to know I have friends who will be there when I need them. I called Ben soon after and he came over and spent the day with me, and made it a lot easier than it would have been.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

So, this Sunday I’m going to be playing on a softball team for work. I haven’t played a full game of baseball/softball in years, so it should be an interesting experience. We had practice last Wednesday and I did alright. When it was my turn at bat, I made contact every time I swung, although none really got too far…but I was still happy. I still have a decent arm, I just have to make sure I don’t overthrow it while I’m out there. I’m looking forward to it, but I’m not really expecting to do too well. Either way, it should be an interesting way to spend my Sunday…much better than sitting at home all day.

Saturday I’ll be going to a wedding, which is a black tie affair, which means I’ll be wearing a tux for the second time in my life. Luckily, I think we’re only going to stay for the wedding itself, and not for the reception. I know I’m not going to enjoy myself at all at the reception, since the only people I’ll really know there are going to be too busy, plus I highly doubt I’d eat any of the food, so there’s really no point to it. Hopefully I can get off work early enough so that I don’t have to rush…if I remember right the wedding isn’t too far away, so it shouldn’t be a problem.

Things with Nicole are still going really well, although I’ve been slightly frustrated lately, because we haven’t had a whole lot of time alone together in the past two weeks, but it’s not that big of a deal. Last week her daughter was sick, and this week I haven’t seen much of her because she started summer classes. I think she’s dropped the class she had on Monday/Wednesday, so hopefully this Monday things will be back to where they were. Although, she will be starting another class at the end of the month. We’ll see how it all goes, I think it’ll be fine.

I drove out to Arizona for the weekend and had a good time as usual. It was the first weekend of the new fiscal year, so I got lucky that no one took it off. We basically did what we always do, played video games for 90% of the time…which is perfectly fine with me. I brought the Halo 3 beta along with me, and it was the first (and only) time Chris had to play it, so I thought it’d be cool to head out there and show it to him. He seemed to enjoy it. He ended up buying a new HDTV after I left, so that kinda sucked, but it’ll be there when I get back out there at the end of July, so I’ll get to enjoy it too. *shakes fist*

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Just a quick post, nothing of much substance anyway. I was listening to Rise Against on my way home, and a particular lyric stuck out in my head that fit my life at the moment, and it helped uplift me a tad, so I figured i'd share it with you loyal readers. :p

"We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt. But how we survive is what makes us who we are." Rise Against - Survive