Monday, February 27, 2006

The title of my other blog on this site is so fitting, i'm considering moving it over to this one...but then again this one fits really well as well. Decisions, decisions.

Once again thoughts of Johnna are floating around in my mind, once again spawned by new pictures of her up on her myspace account. I know this time, because she updated her blog there, and I saw she had a new picture as her main one. I covered it up, read her blog, and immediately closed it, for fear of falling in love all over again...which I can't really say is possible, because as i'm sure Dana would agree, I never really fell out of love in the first place.

About a month ago I had the hope that she hadn't read my journal entries, which i've copied over from here onto myspace (which is where she reads them), and therefore thought that maybe she hadn't read what i've written about her in the past few months, but when I made the blog post about no one out here missing me if I moved to Arizona, she replied. So I know she at least reads them on myspace. But before that, I thought that maybe she hadn't been reading them, and therefore didn't know that I was still harboring these feelings for her, but with her commenting on just one blog, that hope went flying out the window.

I really need to stop dwelling on her, I know. I'm sure most normal readers of my blog are probably sick of hearing me drone on and on about her, but I just can't help it. Everytime I hear from her or see her picture, those old thoughts bubble up to the surface, whether I like it or not...and there doesn't seem to be a damned thing I can do about it. Part of me wants to get over her, so that I can move on, because as i've said in the past, I truly don't believe a relationship between the two of us will ever happen. And of course, there's the other part of me that wants to hold onto these feelings forever, because despite what may have happened in the past, I still care a great deal about her, and would be the happiest man alive (at least in the short term, can't say about the long term :P) if by some miracle I were given another chance with her. The more I think about it, the more I believe she is the embodiment of whom i've wanted to be with for a long time...which makes it hurt all the more that her and I aren't together. That's not to say that I can't find anyone else like her, but at this point in time its not looking all that likely. Now, I know, realistically there's no way I could possibly know that, so don't try and point it out to me. :)

Believe me when I say i'm not trying to constantly talk about her...i'm really not. I just can't help my feelings for her.

On a different note, i'm still not sure I want to move out to Arizona after all. I absolutely LOVE it in Huntington Beach. Ever since I remember coming out here to the beach for the first time, i've wanted to live down here, and now that I do...I couldn't be happier with where I live. I don't really want to leave here. Plus, i'm afraid that the reasons i'd be moving out there would be moot within a few years, because I believe all the friends I have out there are going through the same stuff my friends went through back then (most of them are 19-20). Sure things are fine now, but in the next year or so, if its anything like here, most will move away from AZ, and then i'll be back where I started, except in a new state. Already one of my friends is considering moving away to be with his girlfriend who lives in Washington. So, I dunno...i'm still thinking about it, but now instead of leaning towards moving, i'm leaning away from moving. We'll see...time will tell. Ja ne.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Lately i've been once again thinking about moving out to Arizona. I figure I can get a job at a FedEx station out there somewhere, that way I won't lose my seniority or anything like that, and I can probably keep a comparable pay rate. I don't know where exactly i'd live out there, probably somewhere near Tempe or Phoenix (mainly because there's stations nearby). The only problem is I don't really know when i'll be able to move out there. I've got credit cards to pay off, which I know is gonna take a while...and I don't know if i'll have enough money to pay for rent and groceries and all that. Obviously I just need to think about it more...I haven't given it super serious thought yet...but the idea has been stirring around in my head lately. I just get the feeling I won't be too missed around here if I did move. Plus, it'd be a nice change of pace from my normal boring life. It'd be my normal boring life in a new state! <_<

I originally felt like posting more, but now I don', yeah.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Haven't posted one of these in a long ass time, my apologies. Not like anyone reads these outside of Dana anyway. :p

Life has been decent lately, but its leaning more towards the less decent side. I made it through Valentine's Day alright, I pretty much just ignored it and went about it like any other day. I don't get all worked up about Valentine's Day anyway, probably because I've never had anyone to share it with, but still...and i'm sure this is a pretty widespread concensus, putting aside ONE day a year to show people you care about them is just ridiculous. You should be doing that shit all year round, people! Another similar thing I don't get is devoting one week to some sort of "greater purpose." For example, I was coming home from Long Beach on the freeway, and I saw a sign saying this past week was Child Safety Week. And I saw it and thought...shouldn't that be every single day? Are there days when we want people to practice unsafety when it comes to children? Makes no fucking sense.

I'm at work right now, so I shouldn't really be posting here, but since i'm on my hour lunch, I thought i'd sneak on and give a quick what's up. There's something else I want to talk about, two actually...but i'll save those for another time. Maybe i'll feel in the mood to post about them later tonight, but no guarantees!

Monday, February 06, 2006

Why can I not look at Johnna's profile without getting heartbroken? No matter how much I tell myself nothing's gonna happen between the two of us again, I find myself unable to believe it. I'm pretty positive i'm right, but for some reason there's the part of my mind that just won't accept it, no matter how well thought out anything I have going through my mind might be. I just can't help it...and it sucks, because I hate feeling this way.

What's worse, is I think that this regret will follow me and haunt me until the day I die. Why can't I stop thinking about her?

Friday, February 03, 2006

Had a bit of a scare last night. I was downstairs listening to music, when my mom came downstairs, telling me that she called 911, and that Grandma wasn't feeling well. She needed me to let the EMTs and firemen in, so I opened up the garage door and waited outside for them to arrive. I led them upstairs where my mom and grandma were, and they asked grandma a few questions before helping her downstairs and taking her over to the hospital. I waited here, staying up an hour later than I wanted just to make sure things were ok. Turns out her blood pressure was acting up again, as it does from time to time. Evidently it was nothing serious, just a bit of a safety precaution I guess.

I gotta admit though, for a while there I was scared. Part of me was sure she'd be ok, because she's been through it before, but there was still that part of me that was worried. Luckily, nothing bad happened, and today she was feeling alright.

On another note, I dunno if i'll ever get around to every detail of my AZ trip, but let it be known I had a good time. We played 360 most of the time I was there, and just hung out. I''m looking forward to going out there again.