I'm gonna start this entry off on a more positive note, then kinda shift into the more personal, negative stuff.

Tonight I went to my 2^nd full Bad Religion concert (i've seen them 3 times live...once was part of a whole show where their set only lasted 30 minutes, so I don't consider it the same thing), and had an awesome time. Bad Religion has been doing it for 27 years, according to their lead singer, Greg, which is amazing to me. They've been performing as a band as long as i've been alive, and yet they're still relevant, and amazing live. I went with Ben, Ewa, and her brother...and if I remember right, this was his first Bad Religion concert, having been a fan for who knows how long. I believe he got her into them, but I could be wrong.

When we first got into the House of Blues, we didn't drift too far from the door, which was a bad idea because everyone else entering the building had to push their way past us to get to where they were going. We stayed there through the second opening act's set, before migrating further in. It started out to work in our favor, as we had more room and there wasn't tons of people trying to get past, but as the show went on and people started to migrate away from the mosh pit, people had to get past us yet again, except this time we got to direct the traffic. I can't tell you how many people tried to go out through a corner where they weren't able to, only to have to go back past us to get to the correct way out. It was kinda interesting, but at the same time it was frustrating, and definitely distracting. But overall it didn't affect my enjoyment of the show. They still put on an incredible show, and are very entertaining. After it was over, my leg was killing me...my right calf muscle was in pain through the majority of the show, and still hurts slightly right now, but it's not so bad. I'm thinking I might need to have it looked at if this keeps up.

Now I can't decide if I want to get into the less uplifting stuff or not. When I started thinking about what I was going to say, I was really into it and knew what I wanted to say, but like what usually happens, I got home and forgot most of it. If I hadn't thought of most of this during the second opening act, I could've had a tape recorder to get it all down, but that might not've worked out too well. Fuck it, I went this far, and I did make a promise. :p

While I was watching the second opening act, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a girl there that reminded me a lot of Nicole. I knew it wasn't her, but she had a similar style about her. Same dark hair, same cut (since I saw it last anyway), same body type. Anyway, it got me thinking about our short relationship, and how much I enjoyed it while it lasted...made me sad that I didn't still have it. As anyone that's known me for more than a few years knows, around 2002 or so I started seeing this girl Johnna, and her and I got along really well. We had similar taste in music, TV shows, movies, and she even liked anime and video games. So naturally I fell head over heels for her. Unfortunately, since she was my first true relationship, or could've been (i'll get to that) I was unsure exactly how to go about the whole thing. I was too shy, too afraid of doing something that would scare her away, so I never really showed her much affection. I did tell her once that I loved her, but I never really showed her.

Eventually I believe she just got fed up with it and stopped coming around, and because of me (don't get me wrong, I don't believe she's totally blameless), I lost what could've been a great relationship. So, when I met Nicole...a lot of the same things worked out. We had so much in common, enjoyed pretty much everything I did, and was similar in attitude and whatnot to Johnna, and while her and I were seeing each other, I really thought that she was life's way at giving me a second chance at a girl like Johnna. With Nicole, I was quick to tell her that I loved her, not because of me being afraid to lose her if I didn't, but because I truly felt that I did. And as anyone who read my journals about a year ago knows, that relationship didn't work. So naturally I was very heartbroken.

The more I look back on my relationship with Nicole however, I realize what it is that I was. I kinda felt this way shortly after we broke up, but as time passed on, it became more and more obvious to me that I was never intended to be a serious relationship for her...I was just a “placeholder” as it were, until she found someone else. I don't think that she didn't care about me, mind you...but she didn't feel the same way about me that I felt about her. When I think of how quickly we moved into the more intimate phase of our relationship, and some of the things that were said (which I won't get into), it helped me realize just what happened. I'm not really upset with her per se, but i'm not really happy with this knowledge either, as you may guess.

So anyway, seeing this chick that reminded me of her tonight got me thinking about my dating life as a whole and how shitty it's been. Part of it's my fault, mainly because I don't really get out much to public places like bars and whatnot, where one might meet people on a regular basis. But I like to think i'm not totally to blame for that. It's not like i'm being too picky or anything though. All I really want is someone I can hold in my arms, someone I can tell I love, who I know will tell me in return. Someone I can go to concerts with, or come home with a new CD I just bought or a band I just discovered, pop it in, and just rock out with her. I know that i'm not going to find this girl sitting at my computer night after night, but it's not as easy for me as it may be for others to actually go out there and do the normal stuff. I'm just too shy of a person (luckily not as bad as I used to be, but still pretty bad) to make the necessary steps, which hasn't been working out for me too well as of late, which brings me to what else has been depressing me lately.

Not sure if I should really talk about this here, since i'm not sure if the person it's about actually reads what I write in these journals, but maybe it's worth risking it just to get it off my chest. I believe i've written about her in the past, but in case I haven't, i'll give a short backstory. There's this girl i've known, through the message board I posted at way back when Dragonball Z was just getting big here in the US, whom i've had a crush on for years. In July of last year I finally got to meet her face to face, and the whole time we were together (this was during the Center Gathering, so we weren't alone all the time, in case anyone's mind went that route. Shame on you! :p) I hung off her like a lost kitten. I had a wonderful time finally getting to hang around with her, and it just reinforced how I felt about her, how I still cared about her, thought she was awesome, all that good stuff. I didn't tell her how I felt at the time, but I did manage to kiss her on the cheek after working up the courage.

I went to visit her again later in the year, and had intended on telling her then, but I never really got the chance. Cut to a few weeks ago, and I was contemplating getting up the nerve to tell her how I felt. I finally had decided I was going to, when I found out she was leaving to visit her boyfriend. I was starting to think that I would tell her when I got back, since I didn't want to make her visit awkward. I learned though, that while she was there, he proposed to her, and she said yes. Now, as cliché as it may sound, i'm happy for her. The two of them have been together for a long time, and it's nice to see that they're going to take their relationship to the next level, but at the same time i'm not happy for me, selfish as it may sound. I finally was going to get the courage to tell her what I was feeling, and now I feel like it would be wrong of me to do that. I didn't expect anything as drastic as her suddenly stopping her relationship with him and starting one with me or anything, but I felt that I had to at least tell her, in the off chance something could've happened. I can't decide now if that would've been a good thing or not, so in one way it's a good thing...I guess? I don't know...it's late and i'm tired.

I didn't intend for this to go on so god damn long, but I guess when I get going, I get going. For anyone that's still here, 10 points to you.

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