Friday, March 09, 2007

I've been going into Best Buy pretty much every other day for the past two weeks or so looking for the girl I mentioned a few posts back, but to no avail. Today I had to go return something, and of course, she was there. She didn't take care of my return, but she was there. I saw her, and wasn't sure at first if it was the same girl or not, so I wandered around the store a little, trying to refresh my memory. I walked around, and was 99.9% sure it was her, so I went back over to that area, pretending to look at stuff, and trying to wait until she was away from the other guy working at the return area. Eventually she walked away to a nearby computer, to clock out I guess, but I wimped out and didn't go and ask her out. She went off into a back room somewhere, and I wandered around for another 20 minutes or so, and when I didn't see her come back, I left.

So, basically I wasted another perfectly good opportunity because I was too afraid of being rejected. Something that comes so easily to other people is damn near an impossibility in my case, and i'm getting sick of it. This same basic thing happened with Johnna back in the day, I was too afraid to show her how much I cared for her, in case she didn't feel the same way. I know now that not doing that was a huge mistake, and cost me a chance for a real relationship. I beat myself up about it on the drive home, and am determined to not let it happen again, no matter what. I'm going to have a hard time getting the nerve up to ask, but its something I have to do. I can't make this same mistake again, I just can't. I'm going to see if she's there tomorrow, and hopefully get Ben to come along with me and not let me leave until I ask. We'll see how it goes, I guess.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Today has been one of those days where everyone's jumping on my case about something. I'm probably just overreacting, but it seems like everywhere I turned today, someone's had a problem with something i've said/done recently. None of them have been mean about it or anything, but its still bugging me, for unknown reasons. I've been in a bad mood all day because of it. The straw that pretty much broke my back today was my senior manager coming up to me about my hair length yet again. He's told me at least 3 times in the past, politely of course, that I need to get my hair cut, although today he finally went the inevitable step and said that if I don't, he's gonna have to move me to a position where i'm not so customer friendly, damned if I know where that is though. Anyway, since i'm someone who interacts with the company on a daily basis, i'm supposed to look a certain way. I know that's normal for most jobs, but I just don't really get it. If no one complains, who gives a shit what I look like as long as i'm still reasonable about it? I could understand if I came to work in a polka-dot shirt with green shorts and Elton John style sunglasses, but when it comes to something as minor as the length of my hair, I just don't understand.

Unfortunately I need this job, whether I like it or not, so i'm going to have to get it cut. It'll still be long, just not as long as it is now, which sucks because I love the length its at right now. Anyway, I could feel myself getting all emotional about it, because like I said before, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. The emotions had been building up for a while now and that just tossed me over the edge. I went into the bathroom and cried for a little while before pulling myself together and going on with the rest of my day, being as quiet and as short with people as possible.

I went for a bit of a drive after work to blow off some steam, something I haven't done in a long time. I got home, gave my mom the mail as usual and just climbed into my computer chair where i'll most likely spend the rest of my night. Oddly enough, the episode of Scrubs that was on tonight dealt with a soldier getting injured, finding out he couldn't go back into the Army, and he decided to try and commit suicide. Now, i've never been depressed enough to go that far, but I did think it was pretty odd that tonight was the night that episode aired.

To add to all this, i've been feeling lately like I don't really belong anywhere. It seems like everyone that I know likes to drink and have a good time but me. I don't really agree with a lot of things other people do, and at times it just feels like i'm all alone, not just physically, but opinion-wise and all that jazz, and it's been getting to me quite a bit. A place i've called home for the longest time doesn't even feel like it anymore, that's how bad its been. I don't feel like I fit in there with anyone anymore...i'm an admin and yet it seems like it's in name only. The only real contribution I make anymore is making the payments on the hosting, and whatever else the site needs...and even that is now mostly handled from the money Google AdSense pours in.

Feeling like you don't belong is one of the worst feelings...take it from me.