Monday, February 27, 2006

The title of my other blog on this site is so fitting, i'm considering moving it over to this one...but then again this one fits really well as well. Decisions, decisions.

Once again thoughts of Johnna are floating around in my mind, once again spawned by new pictures of her up on her myspace account. I know this time, because she updated her blog there, and I saw she had a new picture as her main one. I covered it up, read her blog, and immediately closed it, for fear of falling in love all over again...which I can't really say is possible, because as i'm sure Dana would agree, I never really fell out of love in the first place.

About a month ago I had the hope that she hadn't read my journal entries, which i've copied over from here onto myspace (which is where she reads them), and therefore thought that maybe she hadn't read what i've written about her in the past few months, but when I made the blog post about no one out here missing me if I moved to Arizona, she replied. So I know she at least reads them on myspace. But before that, I thought that maybe she hadn't been reading them, and therefore didn't know that I was still harboring these feelings for her, but with her commenting on just one blog, that hope went flying out the window.

I really need to stop dwelling on her, I know. I'm sure most normal readers of my blog are probably sick of hearing me drone on and on about her, but I just can't help it. Everytime I hear from her or see her picture, those old thoughts bubble up to the surface, whether I like it or not...and there doesn't seem to be a damned thing I can do about it. Part of me wants to get over her, so that I can move on, because as i've said in the past, I truly don't believe a relationship between the two of us will ever happen. And of course, there's the other part of me that wants to hold onto these feelings forever, because despite what may have happened in the past, I still care a great deal about her, and would be the happiest man alive (at least in the short term, can't say about the long term :P) if by some miracle I were given another chance with her. The more I think about it, the more I believe she is the embodiment of whom i've wanted to be with for a long time...which makes it hurt all the more that her and I aren't together. That's not to say that I can't find anyone else like her, but at this point in time its not looking all that likely. Now, I know, realistically there's no way I could possibly know that, so don't try and point it out to me. :)

Believe me when I say i'm not trying to constantly talk about her...i'm really not. I just can't help my feelings for her.

On a different note, i'm still not sure I want to move out to Arizona after all. I absolutely LOVE it in Huntington Beach. Ever since I remember coming out here to the beach for the first time, i've wanted to live down here, and now that I do...I couldn't be happier with where I live. I don't really want to leave here. Plus, i'm afraid that the reasons i'd be moving out there would be moot within a few years, because I believe all the friends I have out there are going through the same stuff my friends went through back then (most of them are 19-20). Sure things are fine now, but in the next year or so, if its anything like here, most will move away from AZ, and then i'll be back where I started, except in a new state. Already one of my friends is considering moving away to be with his girlfriend who lives in Washington. So, I dunno...i'm still thinking about it, but now instead of leaning towards moving, i'm leaning away from moving. We'll see...time will tell. Ja ne.


Post a Comment

<< Home