Monday, September 05, 2005

I'm not really going to go into EVERY single detail of what happened between Dana and I, but I will just sorta run through the events. Basically, as most of you that read my old blog know, Dana and I were set to try and move in together in the first few weeks of October. She'd come down on the 5th, and we'd spend the next week looking at apartments. Well, to be completely honest, I wasn't really super excited about the idea, but I pretty much went along with it because I wanted to make Dana happy. I figured I had plenty of time to think about it and make sure I could handle it, and I really thought I could. That is, until Ben's dad gave me a wakeup call. Even though most everyone else's advice at the time was the same as his, for some reason it meant more coming from him...maybe because I felt he was more experienced with life or something, I don't really know. But anyway, after we talked, what he said really sank in, and even though I could've easily paid for the first month's rent, plus deposits for her dog and whatever else, I just didn't feel economically stable enough to really be able to give us a comfortable life, especially if anything went wrong. Like if I had gotten her pregnant...there is just NO way I'd be able to support a child right now, both financially and emotionally.

Anyway, I told her how I felt (through my other blog, which wasn't the best way to do it, but...yeah), and she reacted horribly. She was incredibly hurt, mainly because she had her hopes set on this, and it seemed like it was going down, only to find out I wasn't ready. I understand why she was hurt, and when she took it badly, I felt hurt as well. I had hoped she would at least understand my situation and respect it. Hell, if she really did love me, she would've understood. But nope, she wouldn't have any of it and was upset. She mentioned something about how she got over her past break-ups, by going out and getting fucked...which, after she left, obviously left a bad taste in my mouth. I know she said it just to hurt me, but little did I know she'd actually go out and do it this time. She didn't have actual penetration, but just the thought of her doing ANYTHING with another guy before we had made the breakup official made me sick, and hurt incredibly. If it had been after we made it a sure thing that we were done, it wouldn't have been as bad...but to do it when there's still a chance, no...that's just wrong. I know that she was hurt and was trying to make herself feel better, but you know what? I was hurt too. But did I go out and just fuck some random chick? No, because I thought there was still a chance to salvage what we had. Instead I went out with Ben and Ewa, and her friend Ahn, and we just had a good time. Watched a movie, got a few drinks and so forth.

I came home to a bunch of messages from her left on my MSN Messenger name, the details which escape me at the moment. But basically I sent her a message (not knowing at the time that she in fact had gone through with the "being with another guy" thing) saying not to give up on us, and that we'd talk tomorrow after things had calmed down and try to work things out. Ben and Ewa had given me the idea of still having her move down here, but instead of me moving out and into a place with her, we'd find her a roommate. That way her and I could live closer together, go on actual dates, and make sure that we didn't move in together until the time was right. For some reason for her, that was absolutely unacceptable. Why, I really have no idea. I still don't understand why the idea was so disgusting to her, as I said it'd give us time to be together, so we could both be absolutely sure its what we wanted. *sigh*

At that time I was still considering just letting that thing with the other guy pass, but now...no. She was with another guy the next night as well, but that was after we had made it official, so it doesn't bother me as much. And dammit, I had more to say, but i'm drawing a complete blank for now. I'll try and add the rest if I think about it. Ja ne.

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