Friday, September 09, 2005

Now i'm back in the mindset that i'm better off without her. I don't want to lose her as part of my life, but Dana's got a bit of growing up to do....and until that day comes, I don't think I can get back together with her, much as the thought of being alone scares me. I know i've got my friends and family, so i'm not truly alone...but for me, having someone outside of family tell me that they love me, and mean it...its just the greatest feeling in the world. Its like, I feel whole when I know that someone else truly LOVES me. It was that way with Dana for a while, and now...its just a shell of what it used to be. She's been going on a binge of sorts since we broke up, and I don't really like where its going...i'm scared for her. I don't want her getting caught up in smoking, drinking, etc. and letting it fuck her life over. She told me that she got really high last weekend, and has the urge to do it again, just because. Now, I don't know if its because i'm either a) not addicted to it, or b) am just unable to get that dependant on it, but I don't see myself ever saying "I want to get high, just because I can." When I get high, its mainly to relax myself, to let myself just fade into practical retardation...laughing at the stupidest things and just enjoying being a moron. There are times when I really, and I mean really need that. And that's pretty much the only times I turn to pot. Sure its fun, and I have a good time when i'm high, but I don't need it to get through everyday life, and i'm just afraid that's what's going to happen to Dana. Not necessarily just pot, but that sort of excess in general. It truly scares me to see someone that I loved start on that path to destruction. I'm not sure how many people know this, but I lost my dad when I was 12, mostly due to the fact that he smoked for near 17 years I believe it was. The thought of possibly losing someone else I care about like that...just scares me shitless (Dana told me she smokes cigarettes too, apparently...).

So yeah, a lot of unneccesary drama going on tonight. I think I just need to take a break from her...not talk to her for a little while and just get my mind off of her, however I long as its not going to do me harm in the long run, of course. :p

Ja ne.


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