Thursday, August 12, 2010

What is it about me that ruins possible relationships? The last two people i've met that have shown an interest in me, i've bugged far too constantly and scared off. I don't know what the hell causes me to be so annoying, but I can't seem to help myself. Am I just so desperate to be in a relationship I destroy any chances I have with anyone I meet by being too eager? What is it in me that causes me to act this way, when I know it's just going to end badly? The last girl I met in Dana Point, I called maybe twice before she stopped talking to me. The girl I met recently i've seen two nights in a row, and talked to on the phone since, and it seems like she's not talking to me either. I tried calling last night just to talk, but got her voice mail, and she never returned my call. I'm anxious to call her again, but i'm doing my best to keep away for a day at least. The only problem with that is, the way my mind works, no matter what I seem to do to try and take my mind off of the situation doesn't work. My brain is CONSTANTLY thinking about it. I try to watch TV, during commercial breaks my mind goes right back to my problem. I try playing games, all I can focus on is my problem. I listen to the radio, and every song I hear seems to relate to my problem.

I like this girl...I love spending time with her, and I love talking to her. I want to get to know her better, and because of my need to do that, I end up being too eager and scaring her off. It's almost like i'm subconsciously sabotaging my possible relationships, like my mind thinks i'm happier being alone. I don't even see a point in pursuing any relationships in the future, because I feel like i'm just going to immediately ruin it somehow. I know, with the way my mind works, i'm going to find someone who's possibly interested in me, and things aren't going to change, no matter how much I want to be patient and let things work out on their own. I don't want to scare anyone off, but I can't seem to help myself.

All i've wanted to do the last two days is sleep and work. I haven't even really wanted to eat. I had lunch the last two days before work, but didn't have dinner. I'm pretty sure tonight's going to go the same way. If that's not a sign of depression, I don't know what is.


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