I’ve been REALLY fucking depressed for the past week, and I can’t really figure out why. For the first time in a while, I’ve been much happier when I’m not at home. When I’m out at work, or when I’m with friends, I’m enjoying myself MUCH more than whenever I’m at home. I know some of it has to do with all the bullshit that’s gone down at the Center lately, with people leaving, and others getting upset with others. Seeing the people leave has been more hurtful, really…because everyone that’s taken off has been a part of my life for a long time, and even though I know for the most part they’ll come back eventually (they usually do), I can’t help but feel sad by the loss of them. Even people I never really interacted with on a normal basis that have left, I’ve felt just as badly about them leaving. It just seemed like a group of people I consider family was starting to fall apart. I know it’s only natural for people to want to move on, and I understand. There have been times when I’ve thought about leaving as well. But in the end, I realize how much the place means to me, and I could never truly leave. I might be able to take a hiatus for a bit, but I could never leave entirely. Like I mentioned earlier, most everyone there is like family to me. Some people I’ve even seen grow up from teenagers into adults, and to see that “family” dynamic start to weaken a bit, I guess it’s been getting to me.

I know there’s got to be more to why I’ve been feeling depressed, but i’m not as clear as to what exactly it could be. I think it may have something to do with the loneliness I’ve felt lately. When I’m at work, I’m around people that I’ve known for a while, and I can talk to and have a good time, and enjoy myself. And when I’m at home, I’ve got that same thing in a way (only difference being that these people are all online), but lately it just hasn’t been as fulfilling. I don’t know what about it exactly hasn’t been the same, but something just isn’t. The worst part about all of this is, not really knowing for sure what’s wrong. When you know what’s wrong, you know what you can do to fix it, and then you can set out and do those things…but when you’re clueless, you (at least I) just feel helpless, and feeling helpless sucks.

I’ve been trying to occupy my time with video games like usual, and even those aren’t really helping like they used to. The only thing that still seems to help in the slightest is listening to music…so I guess that’s my new fall back. Not to say that’s a bad thing, as I’ve said numerous times in this blog, music has been there when I really needed it, and singing, drumming, or whatever has just been a big help to me. I just bought a punk CD by a band called Paramore, and a lot of their stuff has been upbeat, but when I listen to it, I just can’t get into it. I know that I like it, but I just don’t start bobbing my head or drumming on the steering wheel or any of that. I think right now, the more uplifting/upbeat music isn’t going to help me much. I’ve been listening to a lot of Marilyn Manson lately for some reason, it’s just been helpful and I don’t know why.

I’m sure I’ll get out of this funk sometime in the near future, but for now, it sucks…it really, really sucks.

Currently Listening To: Born Again by Marilyn Manson